Brussels, Belgium – The EU on Friday decided not to just take the frozen Russian assets and use them to fund Ukraine’s defense. Instead, it agreed to provide a €90-billion loan. “We were really hoping to just take Russia’s money,” said German Chancellor Friedrich Merz. “Let’s be honest, we’d already spent most of it on coke, washing machines, male strippers and coke. We needed to legitimize that theft and spending.” European Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen had earlier v

Defenseless country with strict gun laws to have stricter gun laws so that it can be more defenseless.

London, UK – In the aftermath of Miss Finland 2024 Sarah Dzafce being stripped of her title for making the Asian “slant eyes” gesture, a new beauty pageant has been proposed. The new competition will showcase how good looking the contestants are when doing slant eyes. “I think it’s important that we uphold the principle of universal tolerance and respect,” said Beth Horship, spokesperson for Miss World Slant Eyes, “and this contest is the perfect platform to celebrate freedom

Endor (GNS) – Rebel Leader Mon Mothma has confirmed that the recent follow-up strike on the Death Star was “perfectly appropriate” after receiving a briefing and viewing the classified video of the operation. Imperial senators have been questioning the legality of the strikes and demanding the video be declassified and released. Over a million imperial personnel died after the first strike on the massive battle station. When the Empire built a second Death Star around the moo

Los Angeles, CA – Matt Gutman, who as an ABC News correspondent, copped much criticism for calling Charlie Kirk’s alleged assassin’s messages “very touching” is set to join CBS. “It is a very touching move, we’re excited to have Matt join us,” said recently appointed CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss. “We know he’ll continue with his high-quality homoerotic reporting, and attract the kind of audience who love to hear that kind of stuff.” Gutman seems equally aroused as the

Camden, NJ – In the wake of the explosive recording of Campbell’s Company executive Martin Bally making derogatory comments about fake meat and minorities, the company has decided to release a new canned soup. Campbell’s has fired Bally but understands that the “public deserves better from our iconic brand”. The company is scheduled to release “Non-Racist Co-Exist Mystery Soup” which, according to the barely legible label, contains 65% cultured pork with the other 55% being c

Nashville, TN – An elementary school student is severely disappointed that he has been forbidden from rioting after finding out that French President Emmanuel Macron had allegedly put a hit on Candace Owens. “I don’t get it,” said George, 10, of Cabalsville Elementary School, “I would’ve thought that nowadays a white man trying to kill a black woman is like the near-perfect excuse to peacefully trash the place.” However, George is willing to consider an alternative view: “I g

Melbourne, Australia – A young woman has failed at the church band tryouts despite being technically awesome. “She’s got great voice control,” said Sheryl, one of the band leaders even though she herself can’t sing that well. According to Jason, another band leader, this female vocalist doesn’t lift her arms high enough either but that is an issue which can be fixed with “a little practice”. “She’s got good mic technique, which none of our current singers seem to manage and i

The US Department of War has issued a statement reassuring all Americans—North, Central and South—that the recently issued NOTAMS near Venezuela are part of the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. “The NOTAMS are for all the fat turkeys that we intend to send to Venezuela,” said spokesman Vincent Bomdashiottau from the War Department, “because we love President Maduro and the cartels and we want our turkeys to get to them safely.” The effort is in recognition of

Washington DC – US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Operation Southern Spear on Thursday. “We’re calling it that because we’re gonna shove spears up the out-holes of the cartels,” said Hegseth. “And let’s be honest, it’s not just them, it’s also for those who traffic children, launder money and rig voting machines. Funny how no one talks about them.” Meanwhile, former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi has announced an operation of her own. “Just bec

Washington DC – A man is disgusted that his information regarding Ahmed Hussein al-Sharaa, the current Syrian president, will not be rewarded by the State Department. “There’s a $10-million bounty on this guy,” said the man, “and I couldn’t believe he was on TV with President Trump at the White House. I rang the State Department right away and told them he’s at the White House so go get him now.” The State Department stated that they are “pretty sure” that the bounty has been

Washington DC – Since the White House East Wing was bulldozed last week, there have been many criticisms of President Trump’s decision. The president today further elaborated on the decision regarding his plans for a new $300-million ballroom. “It’s not just a ballroom,” said President Trump, “it’s a hardened compound that also features a giant, multi-level McDonald’s, cos I want to be able to eat there, safe from assassination attempts. “Besides, I don’t know what people are

Washington DC – US President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese signed a multi-billion dollar deal to safeguard long-term rare-earth metals supply to the US. “China has a lot of that stuff but they’re not gonna share it with us,” said President Trump, “but Australia has always been a good friend, even if they are a bit gay.” The Australian PM agrees. “We need all the friends we can get,” said Albo, “cos we’re a big continent with lots of stuff in the

London, UK – Prime Minister Keir Starmer is “really proud” to finally implement digital ID in the UK. “We’re about forty-one years late in ushering in our grand vision of 1984 ,” said Starmer, “because… because umm… we love free speech, which we’ve had for too long, I mean, a very long time.” The new digital ID system is intended to help combat illegal immigrants, particularly regarding access to government services and employment. “We know it’s easier to stop people from get

Alderaan (GNS) – Imperial Fleet Command has stated that the ceasefire agreement has come into effect. “We have retreated to the agreed...

Breaking Gay News: Piece of Sh*t Pleads Not Smelling Like Sh*t

Detroit, MI – As the Illinois state government battles the Trump administration regarding the deployment of the National Guard, mostly...

Los Angeles, CA – ABC News correspondent Matt Gutman reported that the “specific text messages” Lucifer wrote to himself before his act...

Sacramento, CA – Just days after President Trump revoked former Vice President Harris’s Secret Service protection “cos she wasn’t even a...

Washington DC – The FBI is searching the home of John Bolton on Friday. The raid began at 7 am and is reportedly continuing at the time...

Sacramento, CA – The rat infestation across California has baffled some scientists as much as almond farm owners and other rodents. “NYC...