EU Agrees to €90-billion Loan for More Cocaine and Washing Machines
- Simian Practicalist
- 4 hours ago
- 1 min read
Brussels, Belgium – The EU on Friday decided not to just take the frozen Russian assets and use them to fund Ukraine’s defense. Instead, it agreed to provide a €90-billion loan.
“We were really hoping to just take Russia’s money,” said German Chancellor Friedrich Merz. “Let’s be honest, we’d already spent most of it on coke, washing machines, male strippers and coke. We needed to legitimize that theft and spending.”
European Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen had earlier vowed to not leave the summit “without a solution”.
“I’m a bit disappointed as I wanted some of the funds for more COVID mRNA boosters,” she said, “but all the guys just want more coke and Zelensky wants more washing machines.”
Hungary, Slovakia, Czech Republic and Belgium were against the use of Russian assets.
“We have plenty of hot adult film stars who are actually women, so we don’t need to pay for more strippers,” said a high-level Czech official on the condition of anonymity.
According to Merz, the loan still “sends a clear signal” that many leaders of the EU and Zelensky want more coke.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky posted on X that the loan “is significant support that truly strengthens my bank account.”
“With these funds, maybe we’ll have eight thousand KIA per week instead of nine thousand,” he added while wiping his nose.
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