Paris, France – In response to the escalating protests and riots across France, President Emmanuel Macron has issued a statement on social media that there is “no place for violence in our Republic”. “So what if our national holiday celebrates a false flag event of storming some stupid half-empty building and executing the Catholic monarchs a few years later?!” said Macron. “That doesn’t give people the right to riot!” The president insists that this has nothing to do with im

Sacramento, CA – A 48-year-old midget is glad that he is way older than the cut-off age under which one will be required to pass the “5-Step test” regarding seatbelts as outlined in AB 435. “I’d fail that test,” said the midget. “Either way, I refuse to use a booster seat.” He is also suspicious of the government’s motives for passing this kind of legislation. “I don’t know if they want revenue from fines,” said the midget, “but since when did they care about children? Maybe

Atlanta, GA – Experts are warning of a new COVID strain detected on the East Coast of the US, dubbed the “Mitch” variant. “It’s a real nasty one,” said Professor Ben Chao. “It’ll knock you out for at least three months and take away whatever little ability you have to talk.” Victims tend to be bedridden, although some manage simple tasks like talking on the phone, even if they normally don’t make any sense. “It can be deadly too,” added Chao, “particularly to the vulnerable p

Frankfort, KY – A man has been fired after turning up to the office on a stretcher. “It’s not that he turned up barely conscious in a stretcher,” said the manager, Mick. “It’s the fact that it’s his first appearance in like three months. He didn’t even call in sick.” The man is “pretty sure” that his wife did inform management but he admitted that she was out of the country “so she probably forgot”. Management is adamant that the man has been grossly negligent. “This is an of

San Francisco, CA – A Chinese mother does not understand why white women criticize her as “too abusive” for disciplining her children. Jane, an immigrant from Hong Kong who has been living in the US for over twenty years, still uses the time-honored feather duster. “I hit them hard but I no kill them, you know,” says Jane, “so no idea why people comprain.” Jane is of the opinion that it is imperative to enforce order regardless of the circumstances: “Look at white children, s

Sydney, Australia – A corporate minion was given a reprimand for “not being a team player”. Last week, John Lee was told that he had failed to meet one of his key performance indicators (KPIs). He contested that decision because his position is a core function of the company. “I only get to do the work that comes to me,” said Lee. “You can’t do the work if people don’t give you work. It’s not like the support departments where you can just keep shuffling paper as long as the

Los Angeles, CA – A company is promoting and celebrating women in the workplace. “We’re not simply interested in having women as cleaners or the average minion in the office, that’s been going on for decades; we want them to be executives and CEOs,” said CEO Cliff Dushpaggery. Dushpaggery takes the innovative approach by constantly releasing company newsletters about women in the office and how much he wants them to be executives. “Well, maybe not while I’m the CEO but you kn

Melbourne, Australia – A middle-aged Asian woman at St Eutychus Lutheran Church has been hailed as the ideal churchgoer. Earlier in the year, the congregation excommunited a young man for sleeping through sermons. This Asian auntie, however, attends every Sunday and is seen with her head bowed throughout the entire service. Unlike the young man, it is clear she is not asleep. “She is an example of piety, she seems to be meditating on my one-hour sermons,” said the pastor. “If

Tel Aviv, Israel – Beloved Knesset member Lindsey Graham, who moonlights as a US Senator, has sadly passed away on Saturday evening, aged 71. “I just had a 20-minute phone call with Senator Mitch McConnell,” said an aide, “and on behalf of the senator, we express our condolences. We just lost a great Israeli flag kisser.” In other news, online betting platforms are currently withholding payments regarding the bet “Mitch McConnell or Lindsey Graham: Who Dies First?” due to a l

Washington DC – Senator Mitch McConnell’s staff has reassured that the 84-year-old is recovering and intends to return to work “but probably needs to first ask his Chinese wife when she gets back from her trip”. “I think this cardiac arrest has done him good,” said one staffer. “He managed to fit a hundred 20-minute conversations in a 24-hour period, which I thought was impossible.” Despite doing more work from the hospital bed than he had ever done before, that was not his m

Melbourne, Australia – A Chinese boy is totally sick of cakes made by Asian “western-style” bakeries. “It’s never sweet enough and the cream is not quite right—I don’t care whether it’s Hongkie, Taiwanese or Japanese,” said the boy. “Only their deep-fried bread is nice.” The boy also hates that French chestnut puree “because it tastes like artificially sweetened melted plastic and maybe brake fluid, and nothing like chestnut”. “And I don’t even like cakes,” he added. “My pare

Sacramento, CA – Although too early to call according to some commentators, the California Governor race took a dramatic turn at 2 AM. Steve Hilton was leading at 27.5% when Ben Israel surged to 168.1% and Joe China to 164.2%. Neither candidate was initially on the ballot. It is claimed that black vans and heavy-lift helicopters arrived at various vote centers across the state with forklifts unloading numerous pallets. These reports are unverified. Local law enforcement has s

Washington DC – The intense standoff and the threat of mines in the Strait of Hormuz have elicited calls for the use of escorts. “I think ships will need lots of help from escorts,” said Professor Abweichler of International Affairs. “It’s a pretty tense situation so I think escorts will help. Escorts always bring some release.” Chevron CEO Mike Wirth tentatively agrees with the idea of escorts. “There’s plenty of oil, so there’s no shortage of lubricant. Just need to get it

Washington DC – President Trump and the Secret Service have denied that they again just wanted to have a group hug on stage during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night. “We did that at Butler,” said President Trump. “I just wanted to bail on the dinner this time… I mean, I love some of these people but some of them are fake news. And the bread wasn’t that good.” The president added that he “also really wanted to have that big, beautiful ballroom” but has d

St Paul, MN – Re-re-reformed Lutheran Church has again excommunicated their new sound mixer, the replacement for the one they had excommunicated last month for being too slow. Jimmy reportedly laughed out loud every time the vocalist started singing. “At first, when he laughed during rehearsal, we didn’t really mind,” said Daniel, the bass guitarist. “It’s ok to have a laugh during rehearsal.” However, Jimmy laughed out loud as soon as the first song started during the servic

Geneva, Switzerland – Experts are warning of the new COVID strain detected in most countries, dubbed the “Hormuz” variant. “We’ve given up on using Greek letters or numbers, cos they don’t sound sci-fi and scary anymore,” said Professor Lenny Bollocks. Experts have named the variant “Hormuz” because they suspect the strain originated in Iran while exploding Israeli bombs made it airborne and spread it. The variant has subsequently been tracked in all continents. Countries suc

Los Angeles, CA – A highly attractive female lecturer has discovered a method for discouraging advances from her students. Anna is a staff member in the science faculty at the university. Being a tall blonde—and clearly an actual woman—many male students look her up on social media and approach her after lectures. “Part of me is flattered but I wish these people would do some real homework,” she said. “Not to mention that I’m their teacher.” After taking some extra responsibi

St Paul, MN – Re-re-reformed Lutheran Church has excommunicated their new sound mixer, the replacement for the one they had excommunicated earlier for turning everyone off. It was reported that James, the new sound guy, took “way too long” to work out the levels. According to Sally, one of the vocalists in the band: “It took him two hours! And we didn’t even sound good.” Bill, a regular churchgoer, took a look at the faders afterwards. “Other than God, I’m not sure if anyone

Sydney, Australia – Due to the continuing conflict between the US, Israel and Iran, fuel prices are soaring. Airlines such as Qantas, however, have reassured travellers that they remain as efficient as ever—at increasing airfares. “Jet fuel supply is volatile, blah blah blah,” said Qantas spokesperson Will Ripov. “We love it when someone threatens the fuel even if it doesn’t directly impact us, cos we can then jack up the prices—well, as long as they don’t shoot us down like

Xanten, Germany – St Viktor’s Cathedral in Xanten is hosting a giant 46-foot sculpture of a dead whale. According to the diocesan newsletter: “It is important for the church to support dead animals in the name of climate justice while suppressing a rite in a dead language.” “Of course, the piece has to be by an Israeli artist,” said Bishop Engels, “because we Germans can’t do enough to convince the world of how not racist we are. And we also love trees and whales. They’re pre

Philadelphia, PA – A man is confused after his dental appointment. “I was brought up with ‘No means No’, especially when a woman says it,” said the man. However, after his routine dental checkup, the clinic receptionist insisted on booking his next appointment in six months. “I gently refused, stating that I would call when I’m ready, but she insisted and put me down for an appointment and their system to remind me via the phone,” said the man. “I thought No means No. It’s so