The US Department of War has issued a statement reassuring all Americans—North, Central and South—that the recently issued NOTAMS near Venezuela are part of the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. “The NOTAMS are for all the fat turkeys that we intend to send to Venezuela,” said spokesman Vincent Bomdashiottau from the War Department, “because we love President Maduro and the cartels and we want our turkeys to get to them safely.” The effort is in recognition of

Washington DC – US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Operation Southern Spear on Thursday. “We’re calling it that because we’re gonna shove spears up the out-holes of the cartels,” said Hegseth. “And let’s be honest, it’s not just them, it’s also for those who traffic children, launder money and rig voting machines. Funny how no one talks about them.” Meanwhile, former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi has announced an operation of her own. “Just bec

Washington DC – A man is disgusted that his information regarding Ahmed Hussein al-Sharaa, the current Syrian president, will not be rewarded by the State Department. “There’s a $10-million bounty on this guy,” said the man, “and I couldn’t believe he was on TV with President Trump at the White House. I rang the State Department right away and told them he’s at the White House so go get him now.” The State Department stated that they are “pretty sure” that the bounty has been

Washington DC – Since the White House East Wing was bulldozed last week, there have been many criticisms of President Trump’s decision. The president today further elaborated on the decision regarding his plans for a new $300-million ballroom. “It’s not just a ballroom,” said President Trump, “it’s a hardened compound that also features a giant, multi-level McDonald’s, cos I want to be able to eat there, safe from assassination attempts. “Besides, I don’t know what people are

Washington DC – US President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese signed a multi-billion dollar deal to safeguard long-term rare-earth metals supply to the US. “China has a lot of that stuff but they’re not gonna share it with us,” said President Trump, “but Australia has always been a good friend, even if they are a bit gay.” The Australian PM agrees. “We need all the friends we can get,” said Albo, “cos we’re a big continent with lots of stuff in the

London, UK – Prime Minister Keir Starmer is “really proud” to finally implement digital ID in the UK. “We’re about forty-one years late in ushering in our grand vision of 1984 ,” said Starmer, “because… because umm… we love free speech, which we’ve had for too long, I mean, a very long time.” The new digital ID system is intended to help combat illegal immigrants, particularly regarding access to government services and employment. “We know it’s easier to stop people from get

Alderaan (GNS) – Imperial Fleet Command has stated that the ceasefire agreement has come into effect. “We have retreated to the agreed...

Breaking Gay News: Piece of Sh*t Pleads Not Smelling Like Sh*t

Detroit, MI – As the Illinois state government battles the Trump administration regarding the deployment of the National Guard, mostly...

Los Angeles, CA – ABC News correspondent Matt Gutman reported that the “specific text messages” Lucifer wrote to himself before his act...

Sacramento, CA – Just days after President Trump revoked former Vice President Harris’s Secret Service protection “cos she wasn’t even a...

Washington DC – The FBI is searching the home of John Bolton on Friday. The raid began at 7 am and is reportedly continuing at the time...

Sacramento, CA – The rat infestation across California has baffled some scientists as much as almond farm owners and other rodents. “NYC...

Just saying hypothetically…

Sacramento, CA – California Governor Gavin Newsom on Friday indicated that he intends to hold a “special election” that will allow him to...

Melbourne, Australia – Given the state’s initiative to collect machetes and the latest trend in the WNBA to throw green dildos onto the...

Melbourne, Australia – Almost thirty years after the nation’s massive gun buy-back scheme, Victoria has installed forty machete disposal...

London, UK – The UK online age verification is causing mayhem and rage that make soccer riots seem like a palliative care unit situated...

Melbourne, Australia – The pastor of Re-re-re-reformed Baptist Church decided to run this year’s bible study on the book of Numbers....

Sydney, Australia – A pastor at a local church preached that the lessons found in the fourteenth chapter of the Gospel of Luke do not...

Washington DC – Joe Biden has denied claims that the autopen was used without his express approval. “In fact, there was err… err… there...