Sydney, Australia – A corporate minion was given a reprimand for “not being a team player”. Last week, John Lee was told that he had failed to meet one of his key performance indicators (KPIs). He contested that decision because his position is a core function of the company. “I only get to do the work that comes to me,” said Lee. “You can’t do the work if people don’t give you work. It’s not like the support departments where you can just keep shuffling paper as long as the

Los Angeles, CA – A company is promoting and celebrating women in the workplace. “We’re not simply interested in having women as cleaners or the average minion in the office, that’s been going on for decades; we want them to be executives and CEOs,” said CEO Cliff Dushpaggery. Dushpaggery takes the innovative approach by constantly releasing company newsletters about women in the office and how much he wants them to be executives. “Well, maybe not while I’m the CEO but you kn

Melbourne, Australia – A middle-aged Asian woman at St Eutychus Lutheran Church has been hailed as the ideal churchgoer. Earlier in the year, the congregation excommunited a young man for sleeping through sermons. This Asian auntie, however, attends every Sunday and is seen with her head bowed throughout the entire service. Unlike the young man, it is clear she is not asleep. “She is an example of piety, she seems to be meditating on my one-hour sermons,” said the pastor. “If

Tel Aviv, Israel – Beloved Knesset member Lindsey Graham, who moonlights as a US Senator, has sadly passed away on Saturday evening, aged 71. “I just had a 20-minute phone call with Senator Mitch McConnell,” said an aide, “and on behalf of the senator, we express our condolences. We just lost a great Israeli flag kisser.” In other news, online betting platforms are currently withholding payments regarding the bet “Mitch McConnell or Lindsey Graham: Who Dies First?” due to a l

Washington DC – Senator Mitch McConnell’s staff has reassured that the 84-year-old is recovering and intends to return to work “but probably needs to first ask his Chinese wife when she gets back from her trip”. “I think this cardiac arrest has done him good,” said one staffer. “He managed to fit a hundred 20-minute conversations in a 24-hour period, which I thought was impossible.” Despite doing more work from the hospital bed than he had ever done before, that was not his m

Melbourne, Australia – A Chinese boy is totally sick of cakes made by Asian “western-style” bakeries. “It’s never sweet enough and the cream is not quite right—I don’t care whether it’s Hongkie, Taiwanese or Japanese,” said the boy. “Only their deep-fried bread is nice.” The boy also hates that French chestnut puree “because it tastes like artificially sweetened melted plastic and maybe brake fluid, and nothing like chestnut”. “And I don’t even like cakes,” he added. “My pare

Sacramento, CA – Although too early to call according to some commentators, the California Governor race took a dramatic turn at 2 AM. Steve Hilton was leading at 27.5% when Ben Israel surged to 168.1% and Joe China to 164.2%. Neither candidate was initially on the ballot. It is claimed that black vans and heavy-lift helicopters arrived at various vote centers across the state with forklifts unloading numerous pallets. These reports are unverified. Local law enforcement has s

Washington DC – The intense standoff and the threat of mines in the Strait of Hormuz have elicited calls for the use of escorts. “I think ships will need lots of help from escorts,” said Professor Abweichler of International Affairs. “It’s a pretty tense situation so I think escorts will help. Escorts always bring some release.” Chevron CEO Mike Wirth tentatively agrees with the idea of escorts. “There’s plenty of oil, so there’s no shortage of lubricant. Just need to get it

Washington DC – President Trump and the Secret Service have denied that they again just wanted to have a group hug on stage during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night. “We did that at Butler,” said President Trump. “I just wanted to bail on the dinner this time… I mean, I love some of these people but some of them are fake news. And the bread wasn’t that good.” The president added that he “also really wanted to have that big, beautiful ballroom” but has d

St Paul, MN – Re-re-reformed Lutheran Church has again excommunicated their new sound mixer, the replacement for the one they had excommunicated last month for being too slow. Jimmy reportedly laughed out loud every time the vocalist started singing. “At first, when he laughed during rehearsal, we didn’t really mind,” said Daniel, the bass guitarist. “It’s ok to have a laugh during rehearsal.” However, Jimmy laughed out loud as soon as the first song started during the servic

Geneva, Switzerland – Experts are warning of the new COVID strain detected in most countries, dubbed the “Hormuz” variant. “We’ve given up on using Greek letters or numbers, cos they don’t sound sci-fi and scary anymore,” said Professor Lenny Bollocks. Experts have named the variant “Hormuz” because they suspect the strain originated in Iran while exploding Israeli bombs made it airborne and spread it. The variant has subsequently been tracked in all continents. Countries suc

Los Angeles, CA – A highly attractive female lecturer has discovered a method for discouraging advances from her students. Anna is a staff member in the science faculty at the university. Being a tall blonde—and clearly an actual woman—many male students look her up on social media and approach her after lectures. “Part of me is flattered but I wish these people would do some real homework,” she said. “Not to mention that I’m their teacher.” After taking some extra responsibi

St Paul, MN – Re-re-reformed Lutheran Church has excommunicated their new sound mixer, the replacement for the one they had excommunicated earlier for turning everyone off. It was reported that James, the new sound guy, took “way too long” to work out the levels. According to Sally, one of the vocalists in the band: “It took him two hours! And we didn’t even sound good.” Bill, a regular churchgoer, took a look at the faders afterwards. “Other than God, I’m not sure if anyone

Sydney, Australia – Due to the continuing conflict between the US, Israel and Iran, fuel prices are soaring. Airlines such as Qantas, however, have reassured travellers that they remain as efficient as ever—at increasing airfares. “Jet fuel supply is volatile, blah blah blah,” said Qantas spokesperson Will Ripov. “We love it when someone threatens the fuel even if it doesn’t directly impact us, cos we can then jack up the prices—well, as long as they don’t shoot us down like

Xanten, Germany – St Viktor’s Cathedral in Xanten is hosting a giant 46-foot sculpture of a dead whale. According to the diocesan newsletter: “It is important for the church to support dead animals in the name of climate justice while suppressing a rite in a dead language.” “Of course, the piece has to be by an Israeli artist,” said Bishop Engels, “because we Germans can’t do enough to convince the world of how not racist we are. And we also love trees and whales. They’re pre

Philadelphia, PA – A man is confused after his dental appointment. “I was brought up with ‘No means No’, especially when a woman says it,” said the man. However, after his routine dental checkup, the clinic receptionist insisted on booking his next appointment in six months. “I gently refused, stating that I would call when I’m ready, but she insisted and put me down for an appointment and their system to remind me via the phone,” said the man. “I thought No means No. It’s so

Washington DC – The Pentagon has reportedly ordered a second aircraft carrier strike group to prepare for deployment in the Middle East. “Look, Iran should be grateful that I’ve told Benny to shut up because he would like nothing better than to treat Iran like Gaza,” said President Donald Trump. The president, however, has again warned Iran that “there will be big beautiful ships that can do big things” while insisting that talks should continue. “But in the tradition of Pre

Sydney, Australia – A man wishes to get fit and so he has taken up bike riding. “It’s good exercise and it gets me from A to B, which is convenient,” said the man. The man initially rode at parks only but then decided to spend $4,500 on a bike and cycling suit so he can ride to and from work as well. “I really want to stay healthy as long as I can, even until the day I die,” said the man, “and even if it means I need to ride among peak traffic and breathe in their exhaust.” T

Melbourne, Australia – A man has finally been excommunicated after sleeping through the sermon on multiple occasions. The man had been attending St Eutychus Lutheran Church since a teenager. For the past twenty years, he had been found sleeping through the sermon at least a thousand times. Finally, the pastor has had enough. “I consider myself tolerant but I work really hard on my one-hour sermons.” The man, however, denies any wrongdoing. “I think one hour is too long, espec

Washington DC – President Trump has threatened to use domain expansion regarding the matter of Greenland. “Well, don’t need to use it on Greenland right now, that’s a bit dramatic,” said Trump, “but tariffs on European countries who want to get in our way is fine by me.” Among the eight countries are the UK, France, Germany and Sweden. “Look, it’s nothing lethal, tariffs is a simple and not-too-harsh technique, but it’s a guaranteed hit,” he added. The president, however, has

Los Angeles, CA – From those who brought us “ My First False Flag Government Building Storming ” back in 2021 is the first release of 2026: “My First Fatal Federal Agent Shooting”. The set comes with two high-quality ride-on cars. One of them has an electric motor and multiple bullet holes in the windscreen for the driver. There is also a BB gun for the ICE agent. The car is no ordinary ride-on car. The obnoxiously loud horn will sound continuously for at least a few minutes