Xanten, Germany – St Viktor’s Cathedral in Xanten is hosting a giant 46-foot sculpture of a dead whale. According to the diocesan newsletter: “It is important for the church to support dead animals in the name of climate justice while suppressing a rite in a dead language.” “Of course, the piece has to be by an Israeli artist,” said Bishop Engels, “because we Germans can’t do enough to convince the world of how not racist we are. And we also love trees and whales. They’re pre

Philadelphia, PA – A man is confused after his dental appointment. “I was brought up with ‘No means No’, especially when a woman says it,” said the man. However, after his routine dental checkup, the clinic receptionist insisted on booking his next appointment in six months. “I gently refused, stating that I would call when I’m ready, but she insisted and put me down for an appointment and their system to remind me via the phone,” said the man. “I thought No means No. It’s so

Washington DC – The Pentagon has reportedly ordered a second aircraft carrier strike group to prepare for deployment in the Middle East.  “Look, Iran should be grateful that I’ve told Benny to shut up because he would like nothing better than to treat Iran like Gaza,” said President Donald Trump. The president, however, has again warned Iran that “there will be big beautiful ships that can do big things” while insisting that talks should continue. “But in the tradition of Pre

Sydney, Australia – A man wishes to get fit and so he has taken up bike riding. “It’s good exercise and it gets me from A to B, which is convenient,” said the man. The man initially rode at parks only but then decided to spend $4,500 on a bike and cycling suit so he can ride to and from work as well. “I really want to stay healthy as long as I can, even until the day I die,” said the man, “and even if it means I need to ride among peak traffic and breathe in their exhaust.” T

Melbourne, Australia – A man has finally been excommunicated after sleeping through the sermon on multiple occasions. The man had been attending St Eutychus Lutheran Church since a teenager. For the past twenty years, he had been found sleeping through the sermon at least a thousand times. Finally, the pastor has had enough. “I consider myself tolerant but I work really hard on my one-hour sermons.” The man, however, denies any wrongdoing. “I think one hour is too long, espec

Washington DC – President Trump has threatened to use domain expansion regarding the matter of Greenland. “Well, don’t need to use it on Greenland right now, that’s a bit dramatic,” said Trump, “but tariffs on European countries who want to get in our way is fine by me.” Among the eight countries are the UK, France, Germany and Sweden. “Look, it’s nothing lethal, tariffs is a simple and not-too-harsh technique, but it’s a guaranteed hit,” he added. The president, however, has

Los Angeles, CA – From those who brought us “ My First False Flag Government Building Storming ” back in 2021 is the first release of 2026: “My First Fatal Federal Agent Shooting”. The set comes with two high-quality ride-on cars. One of them has an electric motor and multiple bullet holes in the windscreen for the driver. There is also a BB gun for the ICE agent. The car is no ordinary ride-on car. The obnoxiously loud horn will sound continuously for at least a few minutes

Minneapolis, MN – After the fatal shooting of 37-year-old Renee Good by ICE agents, Minneapolis Public Schools have cancelled classes for the remainder of the week “out of an abundance of caution”. “We like being cautious, like putting tampons in boys’ toilets in case they need them,” said public school official Georgina Kantdrife, “so we thought we cancel school in case staff want to go protest ICE.” At least some Minnesotan students agree. “I think that’s a great idea,” sai

Washington DC – President Trump has issued Order 66. “I have ordered the withdrawal of the US from 66 international organizations and treaties, including 31 UN entities or whatever they’re called,” said Trump, “because they’re useless, just useless.” The decision has sparked outrage, with some labelling it as “short-sighted” and “foolish”. President Trump, however, is unfazed. “People call me a tyrant, can you believe that? I mean, it’s not like I’m wiping out the Jedi. I’m j

Sydney, Australia – After watching the US military operation in Venezuela in which Nicolás Maduro was swiftly captured, an Australian man is wondering when the US will conduct a similar raid in the country. “I know our crime rate is not that bad and cartels don’t operate overtly here but still, there are plenty of criminals and commies, especially in government, who need to be dealt with,” said the man. Others share a similar sentiment given Australia’s traditional alliance w

San Francisco, CA – Green Day has denied being “a bit gay” for having three guitarists in their live performances. “We don’t have three guitarists,” said Billie Joe Armstrong. “We actually have six, they all play the exact four-chord riffs while the bass just doubles up on all that. And we aim to be more like lesbians rather than gay.” Armstrong also states that to make up for the lack of gayness when they only have three guitars on stage, he uses extra eyeliner and black nai

Caracas, Venezuela – Former Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro has won a free trip to the United States. “We’ve copped a lot of flak for shoving people back to places like Venezuela,” said US President Donald Trump, “and I don’t wanna be insensitive to that, which is why I’m giving Nicki here a free trip to our country. And new tracksuits too.” President Trump clarified that the trip is in the spirit of the new year and not because Maduro is a “commie cartel-kissing fat tub

Melbourne, Australia – Young Asians, mostly high school and university students from Southeast Asia, have banded together to protest against knife crime perpetrated by those of Middle Eastern descent. “It’s a disgrace,” said Hac Yu, a student in year 11. “There was a time when it was just Asians who carried knives or meat cleavers and actually whipped them out to use them on people. Now it’s all brown people.” Jon Lee, a commerce undergraduate student, agrees: “I remember a t

Brussels, Belgium – The EU on Friday decided not to just take the frozen Russian assets and use them to fund Ukraine’s defense. Instead, it agreed to provide a €90-billion loan. “We were really hoping to just take Russia’s money,” said German Chancellor Friedrich Merz. “Let’s be honest, we’d already spent most of it on coke, washing machines, male strippers and coke. We needed to legitimize that theft and spending.” European Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen had earlier v

Defenseless country with strict gun laws to have stricter gun laws so that it can be more defenseless.

London, UK – In the aftermath of Miss Finland 2024 Sarah Dzafce being stripped of her title for making the Asian “slant eyes” gesture, a new beauty pageant has been proposed. The new competition will showcase how good looking the contestants are when doing slant eyes. “I think it’s important that we uphold the principle of universal tolerance and respect,” said Beth Horship, spokesperson for Miss World Slant Eyes, “and this contest is the perfect platform to celebrate freedom

Endor (GNS) – Rebel Leader Mon Mothma has confirmed that the recent follow-up strike on the Death Star was “perfectly appropriate” after receiving a briefing and viewing the classified video of the operation. Imperial senators have been questioning the legality of the strikes and demanding the video be declassified and released. Over a million imperial personnel died after the first strike on the massive battle station. When the Empire built a second Death Star around the moo

Los Angeles, CA – Matt Gutman, who as an ABC News correspondent, copped much criticism for calling Charlie Kirk’s alleged assassin’s messages “very touching” is set to join CBS. “It is a very touching move, we’re excited to have Matt join us,” said recently appointed CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss. “We know he’ll continue with his high-quality homoerotic reporting, and attract the kind of audience who love to hear that kind of stuff.” Gutman seems equally aroused as the

Camden, NJ – In the wake of the explosive recording of Campbell’s Company executive Martin Bally making derogatory comments about fake meat and minorities, the company has decided to release a new canned soup. Campbell’s has fired Bally but understands that the “public deserves better from our iconic brand”. The company is scheduled to release “Non-Racist Co-Exist Mystery Soup” which, according to the barely legible label, contains 65% cultured pork with the other 55% being c

Nashville, TN – An elementary school student is severely disappointed that he has been forbidden from rioting after finding out that French President Emmanuel Macron had allegedly put a hit on Candace Owens. “I don’t get it,” said George, 10, of Cabalsville Elementary School, “I would’ve thought that nowadays a white man trying to kill a black woman is like the near-perfect excuse to peacefully trash the place.” However, George is willing to consider an alternative view: “I g

Melbourne, Australia – A young woman has failed at the church band tryouts despite being technically awesome. “She’s got great voice control,” said Sheryl, one of the band leaders even though she herself can’t sing that well. According to Jason, another band leader, this female vocalist doesn’t lift her arms high enough either but that is an issue which can be fixed with “a little practice”. “She’s got good mic technique, which none of our current singers seem to manage and i