Escorts Headed for the Strait of Hormuz?

Simian Practicalist
Apr 28
1 min read

Washington DC – The intense standoff and the threat of mines in the Strait of Hormuz have elicited calls for the use of escorts.

“I think ships will need lots of help from escorts,” said Professor Abweichler of International Affairs. “It’s a pretty tense situation so I think escorts will help. Escorts always bring some release.”

Chevron CEO Mike Wirth tentatively agrees with the idea of escorts. “There’s plenty of oil, so there’s no shortage of lubricant. Just need to get it to the right places.”

Abweichler, however, is unsure if the countries in the region will supply the escorts.

“We might have to call in our own escorts,” he said. “It’s only fair that we supply the region with young women when they have supplied Europe with so many young men.”

Historically, escorts were used in the “Tanker War” during the 1980s. However, according to Abweichler, they were much “higher quality than what is available today”.

“It’s pretty sad there can’t be more escorts in the area,” said Secretary of Defense Pistol Pete, “when Obama gave them so much money. Either way, let’s get it on! Or is it off? I don’t know, it’s a bit like the peace talks, I guess…”

Meanwhile, an Iranian government staffer speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Our officials will consider escorts, but no fat chicks.”