Church Promotes Dead Whale but Suppresses Rite in a Dead Language

Simian Practicalist
6 minutes ago
1 min read

Xanten, Germany – St Viktor’s Cathedral in Xanten is hosting a giant 46-foot sculpture of a dead whale.

According to the diocesan newsletter: “It is important for the church to support dead animals in the name of climate justice while suppressing a rite in a dead language.”

“Of course, the piece has to be by an Israeli artist,” said Bishop Engels, “because we Germans can’t do enough to convince the world of how not racist we are. And we also love trees and whales. They’re pretty. Did we mention that we love trees and whales?”

However, some of the local faithful are confused.

“It’s Lent and we’re supposed to be fasting and eating less meat,” said Mikael, 55, “so I’m not sure what message this thing in the middle of the church is meant to send.”

“I thought it was referencing Jonah,” said Sabina, 10, “but how can such a whale get beached here? The Rhine is a kilometer away.”

The diocese is considering a sculpture of a man with six cheese knives in his back to encourage the faithful to meditate on the benefits of immigration and multiculturalism.