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Lutheran Man Nails 95 Complaints Regarding Church’s Pathetic Pandemic Response to Church Doors

Lutheran Man Nails 95 Complaints Regarding Church’s Pathetic Pandemic Response

Melbourne, Australia – A member of the Lutheran church has been excommunicated for nailing 95 statements of complaints onto the church door.

Jens Theune, a regular churchgoer who is also a musician, posted his list of grievances that are mostly about the church’s “pathetic lack of resistance to the draconian pandemic measures”.

“The Lutheran church, and other churches too, are just a bunch of retarded goodie-two-shoes sheep who just rolled over in the face of lockdowns and vaccine mandates,” said Theune. “They didn’t defend us or commonsense. Couldn’t worship, had to check-in for shopping, unvaccinated can’t work… All this over a cold. Oh, that’s not tyranny, that doesn’t remind us of the mark of the beast at all.”

Theune’s complaints include:

1. When our Lord and Master Jesus Christ said, “Repent”, He didn’t mean “Vaccinate”.
31. The man who is actually unvaccinated is as rare as he who is really penitent; indeed, he is exceedingly rare.
36. Any truly repentant Christian has a right to full remission of penalty and guilt, even without vaccine passes.
37 Any true Christian, whether in lockdown or not, participates in all the blessings of Christ and the church; even without vaccine passes.
41. Vaccination must be preached with caution, lest people erroneously think that they are preferable to other good works of love.
42. Christians are to be taught that the church does not intend that vaccinations should in any way be compared with works of mercy.
44. Because love grows by works of love, man thereby becomes better. Man does not, however, become better by means of vaccination.

“Jens was not excommunicated due to the 95 complaints per se,” said Pastor Klass. “It was because he attempted to nail the list to the glass door, shattering it. And instead of trying the doorframe, he tried the next four glass panes, breaking them as well. That and he uses too much double-kick when he’s on drums.

“Ultimately, we should all reflect the love of Christ by obeying all the rules with love and gentleness and kindness and whatever fluff we like to utter, like ‘bear with one another’ blah blah blah.”

Theune, although not fussed about the excommunication, was not impressed. “The whole Lutheran thing started with a guy writing 95 theses, even if he didn’t really nail them to the church doors, so I don’t know why they’re complaining about what I did.”

Meanwhile, Calvin Johnson, an elder from the Presbyterian church down the road, is adopting the mentality of resignation: “There’s no point complaining about all the mandates. Whatever will be will be. It’s not like we have a choice.”


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