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Global Council of Churches Announces New Model for Unity

Zürich, Switzerland – The Global Council of Churches (GCC) announced a new model to facilitate unity for the various Christian churches and denominations.

The GCC Secretary General, Professor Benedict Rahner, said, “After a long meeting with the Executive Committee, it was decided that in 2021 we should do more than the usual let’s-agree-to-disagree-group-hug ecumenical meetings. And no, we don’t mean something about the environment or women’s ordination, we do that anyway.

“Ecumenism is important but we want to take it further. It’s more than about trying to include everyone like progressivists, socialists and even difficult people like those stupid presbyterian snobs. We really want to be ‘one flock’.”

When it was pointed out that the Roman church generally stood as “one flock” despite internal and external attacks and all their other problems for a thousand years before the East–West Schism, Rahner answered, “Well, there were schisms before then, but I think I understand that view since that was probably the first major one that has continued to today. But we don’t want to copy catholicism, at least not the pre-Vatican II version—I mean, we’re protestants and protestants of protestants, God forbid we revert back to old-school catholicism!”

Interestingly, GCC’s new model came about by accident. “I would like to think it was divine providence,” said Rahner. “During the meeting, my secretary said, ‘There’re more denominations than there are McDonald’s.’ It was probably because we were eating it for lunch.

“And then it hit me. McDonald’s is almost the same everywhere and they’re successful—the buildings, the seats, the food, especially the fries! So, we agreed that GCC’s model for unity is to be based on McDonald’s.”

Rahner added that a decision has yet to be made about whether the Filet-O-Fish will be adopted as some form of sacrament: “I personally think it’s very fitting with the fish in between bread, it’s very Eucharistic and Scriptural and all that. But some churches don’t believe in sacraments so we’ll have another meeting soon to discuss that. Maybe we’ll have to use fries like some use grape juice.”

Global Council of Churches Announces New Model for Unity

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