Local Church of Satan Rebrands to Church of Superman


Church of Superman

Los Angeles, CA – A local satanic church has rebranded to “Church of Superman”.


Eddie McCrowley, priest of the coven, stated, “It’s time we marketed ourselves differently. It’s not just about black masses and blood sacrifices. We want to appeal to the average guy and gal.”


When asked why they picked the superhero, McCrowley answered, “We need someone who’s happy, popular and attractive, and who doesn’t look like a goat or a reptile. Don’t get me wrong, I love goats. I love all animals.”


McCrowley then elaborated on the similarity between the prince of devils and the upbeat hero. “Well, they’re practically the same guy. In both cases, there was a war in the heavens and both in effect got kicked out, then fell to Earth. Both have god-like powers, and try to remain hidden among us. Both try to help humanity in their own way. Superman’s powers come from sunlight, a reference to the dark one’s original name Lucifer, meaning ‘light bearer’. Superman even wears a big fat red S, supposedly meaning hope in his language. So that’s what we want to offer: hope.”


Monsignor Bernard, the head of the Roman Catholic Church’s LA archdiocesan ecumenical department, is uncertain of the ecumenical implications of this rebranding. “We want to include and get along with everyone, we want to be on good terms with all faiths but still, we have to review things on a case-by-case basis.”


Meanwhile, a local low-Anglican parish is considering rebranding to “St Bruce Wayne’s Parish”. “We are not into false gods, false saviors, false hope,” said Pastor Martha. “Bruce Wayne may have dressed like a demon but that was just to scare thugs. He never pretended to be a god and he never worked for mainstream media.”

 

Be sure to subscribe to our mailing list so you get each new Opinyun that comes out!

 

Follow us on Farcebook, Twitterpated, and BooTube, as well as Parler!

9 views0 comments
Screen Shot 2021-12-09 at 4.49.31 PM.png

10% Off
Use Code: MERRYXMAS

MERCHANDISE!