Experts Warn of New COVID Mitch Strain

Atlanta, GA – Experts are warning of a new COVID strain detected on the East Coast of the US, dubbed the “Mitch” variant.

“It’s a real nasty one,” said Professor Ben Chao. “It’ll knock you out for at least three months and take away whatever little ability you have to talk.”

Victims tend to be bedridden, although some manage simple tasks like talking on the phone, even if they normally don’t make any sense.

“It can be deadly too,” added Chao, “particularly to the vulnerable population, like the elderly. Even if it doesn’t kill, you’ll be in a wheelchair and no one will recognize you.”

The CDC recommends getting an eighth booster of the COVID mRNA vaccine even though there are questions of safety.

Professor Chao, however, is not concerned: “Well, if it kills you, you won’t get the Mitch strain then. But rest assured, you’ll still be able to turn up to work or vote.”

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