Atlanta, GA – Experts are warning of a new COVID strain detected on the East Coast of the US, dubbed the “Mitch” variant. “It’s a real nasty one,” said Professor Ben Chao. “It’ll knock you out for at least three months and take away whatever little ability you have to talk.” Victims tend to be bedridden, although some manage simple tasks like talking on the phone, even if they normally don’t make any sense. “It can be deadly too,” added Chao, “particularly to the vulnerable p

Frankfort, KY – A man has been fired after turning up to the office on a stretcher. “It’s not that he turned up barely conscious in a stretcher,” said the manager, Mick. “It’s the fact that it’s his first appearance in like three months. He didn’t even call in sick.” The man is “pretty sure” that his wife did inform management but he admitted that she was out of the country “so she probably forgot”. Management is adamant that the man has been grossly negligent. “This is an of

Tel Aviv, Israel – Beloved Knesset member Lindsey Graham, who moonlights as a US Senator, has sadly passed away on Saturday evening, aged 71. “I just had a 20-minute phone call with Senator Mitch McConnell,” said an aide, “and on behalf of the senator, we express our condolences. We just lost a great Israeli flag kisser.” In other news, online betting platforms are currently withholding payments regarding the bet “Mitch McConnell or Lindsey Graham: Who Dies First?” due to a l

Washington DC – Senator Mitch McConnell’s staff has reassured that the 84-year-old is recovering and intends to return to work “but probably needs to first ask his Chinese wife when she gets back from her trip”. “I think this cardiac arrest has done him good,” said one staffer. “He managed to fit a hundred 20-minute conversations in a 24-hour period, which I thought was impossible.” Despite doing more work from the hospital bed than he had ever done before, that was not his m

Washington DC – ED-209 fell down stairs on Tuesday during its lunchtime patrol, sustaining “scratches to its body and minor damage to its...