Biden Denies Autopen, Admits Another Device

Simian Practicalist
Jul 16
1 min read

Washington DC – Joe Biden has denied claims that the autopen was used without his express approval.

“In fact, there was err… err… there was no autopen,” said Biden. “But I think there was umm… plenty of autopenis. Used that thing-ummy-bob all the time.”

Rumors have been circulating that it was Hunter Biden and not the then-president who used the autopenis “on just about every occasion”.

This week, the House Oversight Committee questioned Dr Kevin O’Connor who was Biden’s physician while he was in office.

Asked if Biden was even alert enough to know about let alone fit enough to use the autopenis, O’Connor exercised his Fifth Amendment right every time.

Multiple staff members of both Republican and Democrat officials have stated on the condition of anonymity that “Washington uses the autopenis on everything because that’s how one screws everything up”.