Unborn Americans Identify as Ukrainians to Avoid Abortion and Receive Arms

New York City, NY – Unborn babies across the US at all periods of gestation are identifying as Ukrainians in order to avoid being sucked out of the womb with a vacuum cleaner.

“I can hear the news through my mother,” said the unborn second child of the Smiths. “It’s all about the poor Ukrainian civilians, apparently, so that gave me the idea on how to stay safe… you know, just in case.”

Some fetuses, nonetheless, take it further than merely trying to gain sympathy.

The unborn first child of the Russo family from Maryland, who is due in less than one week, said, “With those bills in play, I think I need to start packing heat. They’re trying to supply arms to Ukrainians, right? Well, I identify as a ‘Rusinko’ so give me a gun and a few javelins.”