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High School Baseball Player Suspended for Hitting to Far-Right Field

San Francisco, CA – David Uchikomu, Wakeham High School’s star outfield slugger, has been suspended for continuously hitting to the far-right field.

“We can’t have that in this day and age,” said Lela Schiff, the school’s Cultural Awareness Coordinator. “Our baseball team’s batting strategy is always hitting it as far left as possible regardless of the situation.”

Uchikomu is understandably disappointed. “It’s not like I was bunting to first for nothing; I was consistently smashing it out of the school grounds, and I hit it up the middle too.”

Schiff, however, is adamant regarding the school’s decision. “It is our policy that any hit not to left field is automatically considered far-right. It is also policy that Uchikomu be declared a ‘white supremacist conspiracy theorist’ even if he’s third-gen Jap.”

The FBI San Francisco Division has also placed Uchikomu on their watchlist as a potential mass shooter. “Well, you never know,” said Agent Wiggum, “the boy might somehow switch his $200 bat for a $2,000 assault rifle or something… better to keep an eye on him than look into any real crime.”


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