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Simian Practicalist

Federal Agencies Recruiting Those Who Can Hit Targets, Not Practice, Like, 43 Times and Still Miss

Washington DC – Federal agencies such as the FBI and Homeland Security are recruiting for their “special operations” divisions.


“In particular, we’re looking for young males who can hit a mostly stationary target with a rifle, and not those who practice, like, 43 times over the course of months and still miss,” said FBI spokesperson Larry Lawfair.


Both Lawfair and her counterpart at Homeland Security have been disappointed with the quality of their recent recruits.


“They’re practicing so much but can’t hit a bright orange target at like a coupla hundred feet,” said Homeland Security spokesperson Kasey Cantslope. “It’s kinda disappointing.”


“At least with Homeland Security, the incompetence is useful for building fences at the border,” added Cantslope. “They’ll fit right in.”


Federal Agencies Recruiting Those Who Can Hit Targets, Not Practice, Like, 43 Times and Still Mis
 

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