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Workers’ Memorial Day!

Today is Workers’ Memorial Day, a day when we remember those who died at work, probably due to the culpable stupidity and negligence of others.

So, we take this opportunity to provide profiles of workers who might not be the first to come to mind as the ones who directly cause the physical death of others, but rather cause and/or perpetuate the subtle, daily sufferings which most of us experience. After all, are not sufferings like “little deaths”?

Richard, Chief Executive Officer – Graduate of some renowned business school which he only got into because of his rich daddy. Knows very little about the company. Doesn’t care anyway. He’s just there to get paid $10.6M per year. Does nothing. Stood on everybody else’s toes to get to where he is today. The detrimental effects of his culpable negligence cascade down like the contents spewing out of a busted sewage pipe on the top floor of a skyscraper.

Bill, Chief Financial Officer – Chief bean counter. More toxic than a bioweapon. Reads the finance section of the news and manages his shares at work and nothing else. His idea of changing his routine is to occasionally check his Tinder account. Complete waste of space. Got his job only because of his so-called friend Richard.

Ben Chow, Tyrannical Middle Manager – Stereotypical sycophantic manager who is a yes-man to those above him but an obnoxious tyrant to those below him. Loves meetings but never writes the agenda for any of them and certainly never makes any meaningful decisions. His only agenda is to masturbate to the sound of his own voice. And possibly expect all the attendants to do the same. He often provokes bad behavior in others, then uses it against them. Anyone with decency would want to shoot him in the face 30 seconds after meeting him.

Ms Whiner, Accountant – Does not actually know anything about the budget or even how to use base-10. Always goes around asking other people and then complains about it. You see, it’s not her being ignorant that’s the problem—it’s other people being too smart. She walks really fast with her head down and moves her hands really fast when seated at her desk, because it all makes her look really busy.

Tim, Another Accountant (in case there aren’t enough) – Easygoing guy who does exactly 8 hours per day, not a minute more and not a minute less. Likes his routine. As for finance, he only knows how to open and save spreadsheets. And maybe occasionally adjust the width of column B.

Robert, Goodie-Two-Shoes Manager – A sour-faced, pseudo-fundamentalist baptist who would never knowingly cheat or lie. One may think that is refreshing given the other characters in the office. However, whilst anything goes with the others, this moron thinks purely in terms of the letter of the law and not its spirit. Therefore, he is totally useless when dealing with just about any problem since he is only capable of thinking in black-and-white terms.

Wendy, Documents Controller – She knows the alphabet, even backwards. Given that hardly anyone else does, nobody can do her job. Also known for being a fastidious labelling queen and has blown the stationary budget on adhesives and labels. If anyone gives a file a nonsensical name, she will print out the file, put it in a really hard folder and then bring it across the head of the culprit.

Dave, IT Guy – You know, that guy: most know who he is and what he looks like, but nothing else about him. As for solving your IT problems, it would take him at least 5 weeks to understand your problem and another 65 meetings spanning 7 months to start fixing it. All the best.

Jake, Useless Middle Manager – Typical two-faced, anti-Christian, anencephalic, abrogating immoralist. Thinks himself a god and is a fan of Darwin, Sartre and Nietzsche because it’s cool. Some people actually like him, thinking him sophisticated. However, beneath his self-assured exterior lies a simple man with simple wants; like cheap beer and Ms Whiner without any clothing. The most useful thing he has ever done is move dust around whilst he is walking around but that’s unintended. In other words, he is also a first-class waste of space.

Jason, Another IT Guy – Walks around in ripped jeans since he is a partially reformed hippie. He is possibly the smartest guy in the company and can fix almost anything. But he usually doesn’t bother as he has to take a cigarette break every 17 minutes even if it’s 9ºF outside and the wind is blowing at 89 miles per hour.

Mick Condella, Head Lawyer – Coked-up lawyer who drives a midlife crisis vehicle; that is, a long-wheelbase sports model shaped like a penis. If he is not talking down to someone on the mobile phone, then he is talking behind their back. Thinks himself ruler of the universe. Need we say more.

Lucy, Another Vampiric Lawyer – One of those incredibly driven, career-focused women who think children are a disease and men are the enemy. Hates anyone who gets in her way with their “pretend ambition”. And although she hates it when women are objectified, all her Instagram photos are of her wearing bikinis that are way too small because it’s “empowering” and not “objectification” when she does it.

Laura, Human Resources Advisor – Agrees with everyone possible, as she believes that agreeing with people will make the world a better place. Is addicted to happiness and describes herself as an “introverted attention seeker”. Warm-hearted but evidently unloved and confused and probably deserved better parents than the two stubborn presbyterians at home. Deal with her if you want to be burdened by her militant happiness that is constantly at war with her inner puritan.

Trent, That Other Lawyer – Handles the company’s many embarrassing lawsuits for negligence. (And by negligence is meant nothing is ever documented.) Is very focused and speaks in legal jargon even while conversing with his family. And that includes his 3-year-old German Shepherd who is the only one that actually half-understands him. Not a bad guy but you wouldn’t want to talk to him. You just drop the paperwork into his tray and then quietly walk away.

Mr McCrapper, Incompetent Guy Filling Some Technical Role – Talks his way into highly paid roles. Causes and exaggerates problems so he can have something to fix, thereby making himself seem indispensable. But he has no idea about… well, anything. It’s just that hardly anyone else does, so he gets away with it. Rumor is that he once defecated in the middle of the office just so that he can have something to clean up—with the vacuum cleaner, apparently—and be hero of the week.

Amanda, Another Human Resources Advisor – Loves to interview people on behalf of the company but has absolutely no idea what any given advertised role actually involves and therefore has no idea what to look for in a candidate. Always talks very clearly, pronouncing all words with precision whilst putting on an artificial smile that shows her brilliant white teeth. This usually reminds one of some psycho English teacher in some C-grade horror film.

Reginald, Occupational Safety & Hazard Advisor – Has almost killed himself many times spilling hot coffee. Never wipes the kitchen bench or starts the dishwasher. Microwaves his seafood lunch at least twice per week. He also can’t drive. Stay off the road if he’s on it. Thinks himself important by imposing phonebook-thick safety standards as if everything must be terrorist proof. However, when it comes to answering emails, he might answer them with one sentence even if the question demands at least five. Absolute moron.

Jackie, Project Manager – No one knows what she does except for going to conferences to gossip and “network” for personal gain as welling as having lunch on the company credit card all the time. Is barely seen in the office but is a total control freak who loves her pants-suit more than HRC. Never defends her subordinates and expects her workers to inform her instead of her being on top of all their work. Has a gym membership but is still a fat bitch.

Georgina, Redundant Role (that was useless to begin with) – Lazy cow who walks around stealing other people’s food. Only has her job because of a special “no redundancy clause” in her contract. Never listens to anyone not because she’s deaf but just because she straps the phone to her head so she can chat with her girlfriends all day. Brings her ironing to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Runs a roulette table during the lunch break on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Max Powers, Janitor – “Ze Cleaner” as he is known by other staff is at heart a complex man with mildly sadistic tendencies. Likes to joke about his past life, including being an intelligence officer in some small country (probably an ex-Soviet state given his “respectful dislike” of Russians but “total admiration for their education system and methods”). Known for painful pranks including swapping coffee beans with detergent tablets and detergent tablets with toilet cleaner. Is known to have thrown out the vacuum cleaner through the top-floor window because it was literally full of s—. Has been approached by management to “deal with” Georgina but she gives him stolen food so she’s cool.


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