#LoveDumbAsians


#LoveDumbAsians

Given the current sentiments regarding #StopAsianHate—and there’re a few of us Asians here at Opinyuns—it’s time I add to it.


Setting aside the original meaning of the word “racism” and setting aside what “Asia” actually covers, I would like to point out that in my experience and observations, “yellow” Asians don’t hate. Never. Asians get along just fine amongst themselves, and they all get along with everyone else. Just look at the Chinese and Japanese: perfect example of cordial diplomacy and refined civility, the world would be in paradisiacal harmony if everyone imitated their conduct.


Anyway, below are some profiles of yellow Asians as I see them, in no particular order. The titles are for convenience and may be considered unfair without reading the profile; after all, people are usually worse than their labels.


Overbearing Asian Parent – Demanding and insensitive. May actually be cool in front of the child’s friends, which makes it even more annoying. Can’t care less about what happens at school and simply assume the teachers do it all. Only looks at the report card, then starts bitching about the marks. Can’t communicate, even in their first language, and then wonders why the child doesn’t talk to them.


Fussy Chinese Eater – Loves to travel and see the world but orders Chinese food wherever they are, even in the whitest country on the planet. Never seriously considers eating sumting else.


Banana – Either born in or immigrated to a mostly white country when very young and has adopted the ways of the natives to varying degrees according to case, is consequently described as “yellow on the outside, but white on the inside” and, quite frankly, doesn’t give a f— what you think either way.


That Guy from Kansai – Nice guy and all that, and mostly gets along with others. He just hates one thing: people not from the Kansai region saying “何でやねん!” (nandeyanen) like it’s the coolest thing.


White Asian – Not to be confused with the “Banana”, these are Asians who have whiter skin to varying degrees according to case, like some Chinese, Japanese and Koreans.


Black Asian – These are Asians who have darker skin tones which varies according to case, typically from further south of the region. They are not limited to Vietnamese, Thai, Malaysians since there are, for example, Chinese, Japanese and Koreans from further north who have darker skin tones.


“Racist” White Asian – Doesn’t mind white people or black people. But they just don’t like black Asians. A white Asian woman may flaunt her whiteness with excessive makeup. Both the male and female variety will happily date or marry anyone except the black Asian.


The Jap Chef – They don’t have a problem with non-Japs liking sushi, even if they are just being trendy. Just hates it when idiotic incults eat the gari with the sushi in the same bite.


The Cocky Hongkie – Hates those “mainlanders” and gets offended if you start speaking mandarin to them. They will probably give you some attitude at the smallest hint of stupidity because you do deserve it. Some have recently developed rioting skills but, despite their efforts, are lagging behind compared to others.


The Stupid-but-smart Overseas Student – Goes to a white country because they want the opportunity and/or they are not doing well at home due to the competition in what is typically a difficult education system. In a western country where the system is relatively easier, they excel as the “smart Asian student”, laugh at the “stupid white people” and then proceed to take their job depending on how foreigner-friendly the laws are.


Dumb Asian – Whilst appearing to be academically capable in the eyes of others, they are in fact not. They are horrible at math and many have made the near-fatal mistake of copying a Dumb Asian’s work, only to obtain a mark lower than they would have got if they had simply tried to do it themselves. Since both parties are poor at math, neither can calculate how many marks are attributable to who and therefore the issue of culpability is never resolved. This works out just fine for the Dumb Asian who is actually not that dumb after all.


“Traditional” Asian Parent – Dreads their children marrying a white person. Would settle for an Asian even if they’re not the same type of Asian. If white Asian, they may even tolerate a black Asian. Constantly reminds their children not to marry white people, especially those who don’t take off their shoes indoors. Usually cites divorce rates which are true for Asians anyway. (It’s just that some Asian families are more adept at keeping these matters quiet so it seems like they get divorced less.) Of course, one of their children will end up marrying a white person and then they bitch about it to their friends like it’s some Chinese-opera tragedy. (“Traditional” Asian Parents are not exclusively Chinese, of course.)


Grandmaster of Written English – Will ace all areas of any written English examination, including highly technical grammar and comprehension. Their results will put anyone who claims English as their first language to shame, including those snobs from England who don’t know their so-called monarchy is German. However, they can’t speak it for crap because they don’t hang with anyone who can speak it. Not to be confused with the Banana who can actually speak it, although a Banana may ace written English anyway.


The Fake Non-Chinese – Is actually of Chinese heritage (without implying citizenship) and totally ashamed of China being run by commies and the screwed-up history and so acts as non-Chinese as possible. Never explicitly denies their Chinese heritage, they just don’t speak it or dress like one.


The Presumed Korean or Chinese Martial Artist – Has always wondered why, when as a child, white children always asked if he/she did Karate. Nothing wrong with the question, they merely don’t get where it comes from. Not only have they never had a lesson in their life, but why would they do Karate? If anything, their parents would probably make them do Taekwondo (if Korean) or Kung Fu (if Chinese). But chances are the parents will just tell them to “study harder”.


Cultured-wannabe Asian Parent – Living in a white country, one has to assimilate. What better way than to eat the occasional steak (possibly with chopsticks) and make their children learn a musical instrument. Unfortunately, they are totally oblivious to the fact that there are instruments other than the piano and the violin, and there are genres other than classical music.


The Food Critic – Not to be confused with the Fussy Chinese Eater who just wants Chinese food, the Food Critic is typically a woman but can be a man who bitches about the food throughout the entire effing meal no matter what it is. There is one exception: if this person is Chinese and they are eating Japanese food, then they will hypocritically bitch about politics or bring up the war instead, and afterward drive home in their Jap car.


Fake Celebrity Asian Chef – This person will appear on television tacitly claiming to represent their particular Asian group and to be an expert in their respective cuisine. Except for the fact that they can’t cook and it’s just soy sauce in everything. (They are not to be confused for the non-professional but proven home cook.) If anyone deserves to be permanently censored or banned, it’s the Fake Celebrity Asian Chef. #hatefakecelebrityasianchefs


Korean K-pop Hater – Mostly hates K-pop and absolutely hates the crazy and stupid fandom. They may hold the view that IU is nice and a national treasure and all that, but she is a bit overrated as a singer.


Regimental Karate Sensei – Everything is about repetition and perfect form. If your big toe is a half-inch off in stance practice, you have your feet taken from under you. If your fist is positioned a quarter-inch wide, you get smacked. Despite the title, these are not limited to Japanese martial arts instructors. In an academic setting, you write the same characters over and over again, using the same amount of paper required to print the Old Testament. The Regimental Karate Sensei is great in a setting of ill-disciplined idiots but is a bore if you’re not one of those.


Rice-munching Nazi Must have white medium-grain rice, cooked plain and eaten plain every dinner. No exceptions. If also a parent, they will impose this senseless rule on their children. If the sauceless dishes on the table don’t make the rice more palatable (which many don’t), then that’s your problem because it’s a crime if you cook and eat rice that is not plain.


The Show-off Parent Whilst better off than many people, they aren’t particularly wealthy. In many ways, they are similar to any other middle-class family. But they just can’t help acting like they are at a higher level of middle-class than you. For example, if they are also the Cultured-wannabe Asian Parent, then they will show off their expensive piano which they know little about and show off how good their child is on the thing. And they will never shut up if one of their children ends up being a doctor.


Rice Rocketeer The young Asian male who thinks he is next in line for some drivers’ championship and/or a character from Initial D but doesn’t have any understanding of driving. Also thinks his Honda Civic—a fine car in itself, by the way—will go faster with body kits which are aerodynamically useless. Gets annoyed when some random Asian who isn’t even trying beats him off the line with an old piece of junk. He actually likes F&F Tokyo Drift and wishes there are another five or six sequels of that.


Fishcake Lover – Yes, they’re proud to be from Busan and love their fishcakes. But they will never understand that idiot from Seoul who thinks everyone from the small town of Busan is a country bumpkin, a small town of at least 3.4 million people with bad traffic.


Taiwanese Chic Chick – Gets offended when one confuses them for a mainlander. Seriously, can’t you tell the difference? Her fashion tastes are more aligned to Japanese and/or Korean trends, she uses high-quality Korean cosmetics and, although she speaks mandarin, she is not loud and obnoxious. And if you understand mandarin, her vocab is a bit different compared to mainlanders. She may be less offended if confused for a Japanese.


B-Baller Jedi – At 5’7” and less than 150lbs, he thinks he can play. Well, maybe he can when he plays amongst his Asian friends. Some are taller and bigger, of course. They typically avoid playing against real b-ballers, especially blacks, because they know they’ll get floored. Not that real b-ballers will play against these padawans anyway unless it’s for laughs or they’re actually friends and don’t wanna hurt their feelings. Many Asian b-ballers Jedis have an unhealthy penchant for LeBron jerseys.


Mainlander Swipers – Japanese tourists with cameras may be famous but they are nowhere near as dangerous as this group. These mainlanders travel the world and swipe everything: Korean cosmetics, baby milk formula, vitamins, Korean-made Shin Ramen (because no one, not even they, trust the Chinese-made ones), designer handbags… anything of decent quality. Store-imposed limits be damned, nothing will stop these zombie runners entering the store and leave the shelves totally exposed to daylight in under two minutes.


Real Estate Asian – These Asian agents will take just about anything (not limited to real estate) and sell it to other Asians. Their clients sometimes include the above. Knowing that prospective Asian clients and buyers who are unable to speak English rely on them for that reason, some of these agents abuse that by charging a higher commission than a non-Asian agent.

 

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