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UN: Alderaan “on the brink of full-blown collapse”

(Photo: G. Lucas)

New York City, NY – Alderaan is “on the brink of full-blown collapse” with civil order breaking down, according to the UN.

It has been 66 days since the Empire annihilated the entire planet, extinguishing more than two billion lives.

“All that’s left of Alderaan is an asteroid field,” said one UN official, “so I think it’s safe to say that civil order there is breaking down.”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres pleaded to all to back a Security Council resolution for an immediate ceasefire. “The eyes of anyone who isn’t already dead and the eyes of history are watching to see what planet the Empire will blow up next with their new super-duper weapon. And I frigging hope it’s not me!”

However, on Friday, the US vetoed the resolution calling for a ceasefire.

US Secretary of State Antony Blinken implied that the Empire was failing to keep its promises to protect civilians in Alderaan. “There does remain a gap between … the intent to protect civilians and the fact that the planet is not even there anymore,” he said.

Grand Moff Tarkin of the Imperial Armed Forces said, “It’s not like we didn’t warn all civilians to leave the planet.”


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