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Nevada GOP Primary: “None of These Candidates” Gives Victory Speech

Carson City, NV – In the Nevada Republican presidential primary held on Tuesday, Nikki Haley lost to “none of these candidates” in a landslide.

Haley received over 30% of the votes with “none of these candidates” receiving over 62%.

A man who identified as “it” acted as a placeholder for “none of these candidates” in accepting the win and giving the victory speech.

“As a non-entity entity, I would like to thank all our supporters,” it said. “Without you, we could not have won so convincingly. And this includes all those who cast non-votes by drawing penises on the ballot.

“I would also like to thank my non-wife, my non-son who is not here because he is on way too much non-drugs, and my non-daughter who is a half-dressed or non-dressed slut. Thank goodness she’s a non-slut and not a real one.”

When asked how it was going to tackle the upcoming primaries, it was cautiously optimistic.

“We know our voters just wanted to vote for President Trump but still, we will continue to work hard,” it answered. “If we ever become president, we will implement our non-plan to run the country, which is way better than what you have now.”


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