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Lucifer Shouted “I Can’t Breathe” During Arrest

St Michael’s, MN – Scholars from the American Liberal Theologians Association have issued a paper that the rebelling angel Lucifer couldn’t breathe as he was being arrested by Michael.

It is not disputed that during the heavenly battle, Michael was the first officer at the scene to confront Lucifer.

According to “multiple witnesses”, after forcing Lucifer into a prone position, Michael then put his left foot on Lucifer’s neck and head.

These same witnesses heard Lucifer shouting, “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.”

Courtesy of Raphael.
Courtesy of Raphael.

“It is unclear to what extent other officers participated in the arrest,” said theologian Brenda May, one of the paper’s authors. “Gabriel and Raphael have been mentioned but the accounts are sketchy. Whatever the case, we mustn’t put too much faith in these angels, creatures which we don’t know what pronouns to apply.”

A satanist coven in Minneapolis welcomes these latest findings, picketing outside of St Michael’s Church in St Michael’s, calling for his arrest.

“It’s about time the public is aware of angelic brutality,” said Zack Lavey of the coven. “It’s a disgrace there is a parish and an entire suburb in Minneapolis named after the guy.”

Bob, a parishioner, is of a different opinion. “I never had a problem from St Michael,” he said. “As for the picketing, these satanists are a bit annoying, but if they’re doing that then at least they’re not running an after-school club or something.”

At the time of reporting, St Michael is still free and has not been stabbed 22 times.


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