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Empire Denies Striking Ewok Camp

Endor (GNS) – The Empire has denied striking an Ewok camp on Tuesday after rebels claimed imperial stormtroopers and armor have killed at least 21 Ewoks.

The Empire earlier defied an appeal from the Interstellar Court of Justice by sending in numerous AT-STs into the designated Ewok civilian zone.

The Empire issued a statement: “Contrary to reports, we entered the Ewok civilian zone but did not destroy any Ewok camp in or outside of the zone.”

The US, the Empire’s closest ally, reiterated its opposition to any major imperial ground offensive operation in the so-called Ewok civilian zone but does not consider the current actions to be a major operation.

“We simply don’t see a large number of stormtroopers and AT-STs in formation or moving in some coordinated fashion,” said a US representative, “I mean, they’re just running around the forest in pairs, almost randomly. Doesn’t look like they know what they’re doing.”

Meanwhile, Nikki Haley has signed an imperial concussion shell, including the message “Finish Them”.

“Just because they look furry and cute doesn’t mean they’re harmless,” she said, “I heard they might poke people with sticks and maybe even eat them. We can’t have that!”

Estimates of Ewok casualties in the conflict thus far range from 30,000 to 35,000 dead. Countries including Spain and Norway have recognized Endor as Ewok’s planet.

“Just because we’re typically racist and inconsiderate to the disabled—we’d even sent a team pretending to be retards to the paralympics—doesn’t mean we don’t recognize little people on some distant planet,” said Spanish minister Noe Entiendo.


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