Church Puts Professional Drummer on Probation

St Paul, MN – Re-re-reformed Lutheran Church has put their newest drummer on probation. This follows the excommunication of one of their sound mixers as well as a drummer and a guitarist since late November.

Although Mike Pförtner attends the church at least once per month and is a professional percussionist, he has never played for the congregation until Sunday. He was recently requested to play in light of recent events.

According to one churchgoer: “He [Pförtner] started off normal for the first song, nothing flashy. At the end of the first line, he did a fill… for a moment, it sounded like a regular fill. Except that the fill never ended.”

Michelle Müller, a regular attendee, said, “It was weird. It was like a drum solo for the whole song. I thought it was just some experimentation—I mean, I get that with the first song, just to get the congregation into things. But then he played like that through every song from start to finish.”

Rod Träge, a church council member, said, “He is a good drummer but we prefer ‘meat and potatoes’ drumming. That’s why we’ve convinced the music co-ordinator to put him on probation.”

When requested for comment, Pförtner replied, “I am a drummer but sometimes, just sometimes, I identify as a lead guitarist. Hey, I’m entitled to my non-sexual fantasies. And probation? As if…”

Sandrine Hiederman, the congregation’s music co-ordinator, was left puzzled. “Sure, he’s the type of drummer who plays a bit more liberally but he wasn’t like that during rehearsal. Either way, at this rate, I will have trouble finding any half-decent musicians.”

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