Church Excommunicates Guitarist and Drummer

St Paul, MN – Re-re-reformed Lutheran Church has excommunicated a guitarist and a drummer. This follows the excommunication of one of their sound mixers in an unrelated incident in late November.


On Sunday, the congregation experimented with their first “dramatic reading” where the band provided the accompanying music. The Old Testament reading was from Isaiah chapter 5. As soon as the first word was uttered, the drummer launched into death-metal double-kicking and the guitarist into heavily distorted palm-muting. The organist also played along.


“It was… different,” said one churchgoer. “The guitarist normally uses lots of chorus and his style is pretty spaced-out. Sometimes, there’s even this distinct odor from back [where the band is]. But hey, I’m not judging.”


Rod Träge, a member of the church council, said, “The issue was not the so-called death metal. At least that fitted the tone of the text, with all that destruction. It was later, with their polyrhythmics or whatever, their weird time signatures shifting all over the place. How are we supposed to follow the reading in 15/8s?!”


When asked why neither the organist nor the reader who read in a guttural voice was excommunicated, another church council member said, “We only have one organist. We need him. As for the reader, his reading wasn’t too bad. Not that I was listening anyway.”


Other members of the congregation thought the excommunication of the duo was maybe too extreme. “I don’t mind heavy and maybe they deserved to be told off, but I thought the drummer could’ve played more simply, you know, like Lars Ulrich.”

 

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