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Local Baptist Church Records Longest Service Ever

St Paul, MN – Just-the-Cross Baptist Church had its longest service last Sunday, clocking at four hours and twenty minutes.

Although it varies every week, the Sunday services are long due to mainly two reasons: the Chinese-born pastor giving sermons that go for at least 90 minutes and the band playing every song at least twice.

However, last Sunday, the record-setting service was due to the band—which incidentally had a new guitarist and drummer—playing an extended intro to the first and last songs.

“At first, I could tell the band was building it up with a longer intro than usual,” said Kate, a regular churchgoer. “It was fine but then it went on for like half an hour.”

“I guess it’s better to have a long, progressive intro than hearing the song on repeat for ten times,” said John, another regular churchgoer. “But it can be tricky. Every few minutes, the congregation started singing but then realized their mistake.”

The new guitarist and drummer were reportedly “in their own little world” and the church’s music co-ordinator Dorothy Paddington has since been under some non-judgemental, low-temperature fire.

Nonetheless, Paddington defended her decision. “Look, they’re decent musicians and they’re my friends. Sure, they’re not baptists and they were kicked out of their own church, but we could use them.”

Meanwhile, the church’s slide operator, Chad, has reportedly had a nervous breakdown. “I think not being able to click for the next slide for half an hour really did his head in,” said Paddington. “And he couldn’t tell when it was time [for the next slide]. I mean, everyone is so used to four-bar intros.”

According to Chad, there were other factors. “It’s wasn’t just the intro that went on forever, at least that sounded melodic enough. It was the singing. The guy sounded like some weird opera tenor or something like that.”

Not everyone, however, was bothered. “I grew up in the Greek church,” said Dimitrios, “so three or four hours is nothing. At least we have pews here and can sit.”

The guitarist and drummer were requested to comment but only responded that it was their aim to play an intro that was longer than the sermon. “We obviously failed. Maybe next time.”


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