Los Angeles, CA – A study using the latest in computational dynamic stress analysis and modelling has concluded that the Titanic did not sink exclusively due to the damage caused by the collision with an iceberg.
“The collision certainly contributed to it,” said Professor Mayksitup, head of the study. “But ultimately, it was because the iceberg was fatphobic.”
According to the study, the size of the iceberg relative to the size of the Atlantic Ocean and the ship strongly suggests that the collision was no mere coincidence.
“The RMS Titanic was nearly 900 feet in length with a beam of over 92 feet,” said Wayne Dawson, a post-doctorate fellow. “Her displacement was over 52,300 tons, so she was a real fatso and the iceberg just didn’t like fat ships. It probably said to itself, ‘F— you, you fat bitch, I’m gonna sink you.’”
Other experts, such as Dr Karen Roberts, are skeptical of the latest study. “The iceberg being fatphobic is possible but there is a simpler explanation. The ship was mostly painted black and the iceberg was white and totally racist,” she said. “Come to think of it, every night in my dreams I feel that the entire northern Atlantic is racist.”
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