Victorian Plant Life Feels Safer Already Ahead of Machete Ban

Melbourne, Australia – Almost thirty years after the nation’s massive gun buy-back scheme, Victoria has installed forty machete disposal bins across the state in preparation for the ban starting on September 1.

“Knives destroy lives,” said Premier Jacinta Allan. “Johnny already took your guns, so now I’m gonna take your knives. We’re still deliberating about forks.”

“I feel safer already knowing that only someone with an exemption can cut me down,” said a tree in a suburban park.

Agricultural workers are not the only ones who are exempted from the ban. Also exempted are machetes with a “traditional, historical or cultural significance”.

Fred Clermont, a professor of history, is confused about the condition: “People have been barbarously slaughtering each other using one type of blade or another for over five thousand years. What blade isn’t traditional or historical?”

“Look, we Aussies have zero tolerance for anyone having any means of self-defence,” added the premier, “so the ban is here to stay. But needles are okay, so get your jab every 12 months.”

---

Be sure to subscribe to our mailing list so you get each new Opinyun that comes out!

---