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Exclusive: Commander the German Shepherd Abused?

Washington DC – One week after Commander the German Shepherd was removed from the White House due to multiple biting “incidents”, possible causes of his misbehavior have come to light.

German Shepherds are typically highly intelligent and good-natured, so multiple biting incidents in which medical treatment was required raise questions.

Secret Service agents and janitors have denied kicking the dog. There are also no visible signs of abuse, and the dog being still alive rules out satanic ritual sacrifice.

“I have never seen Biden kick the dog either,” said one Secret Service agent under the condition of anonymity. “I mean, the guy can barely walk. The dog may have met Hillary once though, but I’m not sure.”

However, in an exclusive interview, Commander indicated other possible causes. “I’m a dog, I sniff everything. There’s always white powder lying around and I sniff it and I feel like I can do anything,” he said.

When asked if he knows where the powder comes from, Commander has no idea: “It’s hard to trace, the stuff is everywhere. And whenever I think I get close to finding out who, Hunter just turns up, grabs my behind and tries to mount me. I don’t like that.”

“I’m a dog, I sniff everything…”
“I’m a dog, I sniff everything…”

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