EPA: Ohio Pets Dying Suddenly a Coincidence
East Palestine, OH – The EPA is confident that all the pets getting sick and dying suddenly is just a coincidence.
So far, the EPA has taken multiple air and municipal water samples, and has detected no vinyl chloride or hydrogen chloride after the train derailment on February 3.
“The water is safe to drink,” according to an EPA statement, “so all the cats, dogs and bunnies dying suddenly is just a coincidence. Maybe they should get vaccinated or something? Besides, they’re just animals.”
Some residents, however, are skeptical.
“They may be animals, but they’re more important to me than you jerks!” said Verity, owner of two cats that died suddenly.
Frank, who owns a dog and two rabbits that have all fallen sick, takes a different view: “I hope the so-called authorities all have a coincidence soon.”
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