Caracas, Venezuela – Former Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro has won a free trip to the United States. “We’ve copped a lot of flak for shoving people back to places like Venezuela,” said US President Donald Trump, “and I don’t wanna be insensitive to that, which is why I’m giving Nicki here a free trip to our country. And new tracksuits too.” President Trump clarified that the trip is in the spirit of the new year and not because Maduro is a “commie cartel-kissing fat tub

Endor (GNS) – Rebel Leader Mon Mothma has confirmed that the recent follow-up strike on the Death Star was “perfectly appropriate” after receiving a briefing and viewing the classified video of the operation. Imperial senators have been questioning the legality of the strikes and demanding the video be declassified and released. Over a million imperial personnel died after the first strike on the massive battle station. When the Empire built a second Death Star around the moo

The US Department of War has issued a statement reassuring all Americans—North, Central and South—that the recently issued NOTAMS near Venezuela are part of the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. “The NOTAMS are for all the fat turkeys that we intend to send to Venezuela,” said spokesman Vincent Bomdashiottau from the War Department, “because we love President Maduro and the cartels and we want our turkeys to get to them safely.” The effort is in recognition of

Washington DC – US Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Operation Southern Spear on Thursday. “We’re calling it that because we’re gonna shove spears up the out-holes of the cartels,” said Hegseth. “And let’s be honest, it’s not just them, it’s also for those who traffic children, launder money and rig voting machines. Funny how no one talks about them.” Meanwhile, former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi has announced an operation of her own. “Just bec

On 20 January 2025, President Trump declared the cartels as foreign terrorist organizations and indicated the possibility of using...