London, Great Britain – Weyland-Yutani has announced that their development of the COVID-19 vaccine is “on-track and very promising”.
The Wey-Yu vaccine is derived from the DNA of a xenomorph alien found on LV-426 and is currently in phase 3 development.
“We only have preliminary results at this stage,” said CEO Mr Weyland, “but we rather take it slow. Other companies have rushed it and look at all the adverse events of these clot shots. We have benefited from these observations.”
The Wey-Yu vaccine is derived from an alien that has shown resilience to every disease known to humanity, although the immuno-mechanisms used are unclear. Unlike some of the vaccines currently on the market, only one shot is required as opposed to six.
“One thing’s for sure,” said Professor Dale Armstrong of The Company’s bioweapons division, “no one is going to die from vaccine-induced blood clots. The alien has concentrated acid for blood that eats through everything… will probably help you lose weight.”
When asked whether this property will harm recipients, Armstrong said, “Maybe, but at least you won’t die from COVID-23 or whatever and you won’t die from blood clots.”
Meanwhile, Weyland-Yutani has denied that it has been contracted by governments to use these xenomorph aliens as drones in door-to-door vaccination campaigns. “That’s just a rumor… We haven’t even got a vaccine yet,” said Mr Weyland. “We do, however, have a contract to provide hospitals with industrial-strength disinfectants derived from the alien’s blood.”
The results of phase 3 development of the vaccine are scheduled to be released at the end of next month.
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