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Previously Secret Documents Reveal New Frigate Doesn’t Have to Float

Canberra, Australia – According to previously secret documents just released to parliament regarding the $45 billion frigate program, the Royal Australian Navy removed the requirement that “the thing has to float”.


“Not that we kept all the documents,” said a defence department official, “but I remember ‘buoyancy’ wasn’t much of a consideration—I mean, our adversary is most likely China and we have a tinpot population in comparison so the boat won’t stay afloat for long either way.”


The documents also reveal that then-Chief of Navy Tim Barrett played a key role in selecting the BAE’s Type 26 before becoming an advisor to BAE Systems Australia.


“I do remember that there was a stringent analysis of designs available,” said a navy official. “And BAE offered a pretty good salary package.”


The documents that were not conveniently lost indicate that the frigate’s requirements include “hull preferably not made of wood” and “galley must fit massive electric pie oven”.


“Look on the bright side,” said another navy official, “we might get frigates that don’t float before we get those AUKUS subs.”


HMS Glasgow
 

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