Paris, France – French President Emmanuel Macron has announced reforms for online child safety.
“We have to protect our children on the internet,” said Macron, through an interpreter, “by making sure platforms have age-verification features because we all know people can’t possibly lie about their age online.”
The implementation of such features will involve tech giants and will also focus on detecting predators and “people who do really bad French accents”, not that anyone has any idea on how to do it.
Nonetheless, Macron is not discouraged by these difficulties. “It’s the internet, not the German army… we can persevere,” he said. “We have to do our utmost to track people, including children, because all my politician friends like children.”
Opinyuns Research, a think tank, conducted a 10-second study and concluded that it will be more cost-efficient to protect children by having tact teams raid predators and traffickers.
“As for parents,” said Jimmy, a resident researcher, “they need to be slapped and reminded to not let their young children get addicted to phones and tablets.”
Macron, however, disagrees. “I think it’s important for children to stay online,” he added. “I ended up marrying my teacher who is 24 years older than me. I may be different, of course, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t children out there who can end up with someone 24 years older in the proper way. I don’t want this online reform to stop that.”
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