FBI Raids Trump Home to Restore Our Two-Minute Hate
Palm Beach, FL – The FBI raided and searched Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago on Monday morning as part of an investigation into the former president’s alleged unlawful removal and destruction of White House records after the end of his presidency.
“Wow, probably the first president or former president in a while to get raided,” said Trump, “and I’m not even in office. And I don’t see them chasing after unlawful voting ballots.”
“That’s right, we haven’t gone after Hunter’s laptop, Pelosi’s money or the millions of dodgy voting ballots, so we’ll just make up for it by going after Trump’s safe,” said FBI spokesperson.
It is rumored that the safe contained ultra-strength hairspray, chocolate wrappers and a half-eaten cheeseburger.
The Department of Justice seems to be “looking at the bigger picture”. According to a senior staff member speaking on the condition of anonymity, “The guy is not in office and we want to make sure it stays that way. But the irony is that we’ve missed him, we need him to feature in our daily two-minute hate.”
Political scientist Professor Sum Ting Wong, however, is taking a different angle. “Well, maybe it’s desperation… or maybe it’s a distraction and I don’t mean the low-level, superficial type… sum ting else will go down elsewhere.”
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