New York City, NY – Pfizer has announced that it will enter the online dating scene by starting its own subscription-based platform.
“We’re aiming to cater to everyone with whatever orientation,” said Janine Small, President of International Developed Markets, “but we are focusing on gay men who are overpaid professionals, immature, love to lie to impress their dates, and then go totally mental when they’re busted for it.”
When asked how Pfizer will filter out fake details in users’ bios, Small indicated that data safety and integrity are “very important to user experience and we are very experienced in fixing data”.
Small, however, admitted that those who are introverts may find it difficult. “These systems can’t really help people who don’t say much… like our CEO, for example,” she said.
Pfizer’s business expansion plan is odd considering its sole focus on chemicals and pharmaceuticals in its long history.
“By entering the online dating market at the speed of science, we’re enhancing the ‘chemistry’ between people and therefore humanity’s directed evolution; that is, if they’re not gay and not rendered infertile by our vaccine,” said Small. “Either way, after that awesome display of personality by our executive Jordan Walker, how can we not start our own platform? I mean, James O’Keefe is a handsome man, reminds me of Riley Finn from Buffy. I would go nuts over him too.”
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