Fauci Recommends Masks Between Bites

Washington DC – Dr Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, emphasized on Sunday that with or without a vaccine, mask and social distancing rules still need to be followed.


“With the upcoming Christmas festivities, it is recommended that people only take off their masks when they’re putting food into their mouths and sipping drinks,” Fauci told reporters. “They should put their masks back on when chewing.”


Alicia Tottenham of the New England School of Etiquette is apprehensive about the latest recommendation. “This will require setting aside a spot on the dining table [for the mask], next to the knife where another, smaller knife may need to go. Also, the hand sanitizer takes the spot of one of the glasses.”


Professor Gimp of some hospital in Washington DC proposes an alternative. “Yeah, it’s better to just cut a slit in the mask for the mouth so you can still eat and drink with the mask on. Then you don’t need to touch the mask all the time. There’s a bonus for this method: you know how when you sometimes accidentally breathe in the gas from fizzy drinks?—masks will prevent that!”


Regarding Gimp’s suggestion, Dr Fauci said, “As long as people remember to put a mask without a slit back on after the meal. Or put in a zipper. Of course, it’s really up to individual preference.”


Gavin Newsom, Governor of California, concurred with the mask-between-bites rule and, not surprisingly, went further. “The turkey must also be masked even though it is in the oven for like four hours… just in the case the heat doesn’t kill the virus. It definitely needs to be masked when it’s on the dining table.”


In other news, one of the writers at Opinyuns is taking a sabbatical. “I was drafting a satirical piece about putting on the mask in between bites but then some libtard douchebag from California says it for real. Seriously, no matter how ridiculous I try to be, someone has to do worse in real life. Makes you want to give up living.”

 

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