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Entire St Lawrence’s Parish Arrested for Fasting

Chicago, IL – The entire parish of St Lawrence’s was arrested Sunday for fasting from mask-wearing.


“We don’t just fast during Lent,” said a parishioner on the condition of anonymity, “we do it multiple Lents during the year. But it doesn’t have to be food.”


Entire St Lawrence’s Parish Arrested for Fasting

“It’s important that we fast, especially during these difficult times,” said Father Barley. “Generally, one abstains from a good thing that one normally does. We’re told masks are good and have been more-or-less wearing them for over 18 months now, so why not abstain for a few weeks?”


The authorities were alerted to the situation when a nearby resident noticed people entering without wearing masks.


Jake Riley, a parishioner, complained about the clampdown. “What ever happened to being allowed to do stuff on ‘religious grounds’?”


Passers-by who witnessed the police arrive at the church claim that whilst the interaction between the parishioners and the officers were initially “civil”, violence soon broke out.


There are unconfirmed reports that the choir’s soprano started the fight because she did not appreciate her solo being interrupted. During the church brawl, one parishioner smashed a statue of the Virgin Mary over the head of one of the officers.


“Using the statue of the Blessed Mother in such manner is not something I’d encourage,” said Father Barley. “Could’ve used that old acoustic guitar or half-busted snare that nobody wants instead. But at least we finally found a good use for those hardcover post-conciliar missals.”


Meanwhile, the presbyterian church down the road has been abstaining from smiling and making any logical sense for at least a few decades now and has not fallen into any legal troubles.

 

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