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CDC Consults Expert Statisticians

Atlanta, GA – Given the controversy surrounding the infection and death rates due to COVID-19, the CDC has hired a dozen expert statisticians to verify and analyze the figures.

“I think it’s important to have accurate figures for posterity,” said CDC spokesperson Dr Eric Poznan. “I think hiring other statisticians to work with our own people will hopefully inspire some confidence in the public as well as help with planning and logistics in dealing with this pandemic.”

Most of the statisticians are from the commercial sector, particularly the gaming and gambling industries. “That may sound strange but these people are very good with numbers, probably the best given what they do,” explained Dr Poznan.

Aaron Goldberg, a professor of mathematics who consults with PowWow Ball is the head of the group. “Our method will be this: every day, we’ll randomly draw five numbered balls, take the average of that and multiply it by the PowWow Ball and the size of the nearest pair of women’s underwear. That’s our infected number for the day.”


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