In addition to door-to-door vaccination outreach and working with SMS providers to monitor and dispel misinformation regarding the vaccines, the Biden administration announced plans to expand the monitoring of text messages on other topics.
At the top of the list is the age-old and statistically common question: Babe, what’re you wearing?
“I know it’s a private question,” said Biden, “but it’s imp… important that the answer be accurate. It’s an important question; I… I ask girls, I mean ladies all the time. People have a right not to answer, but if you do, you can’t say you’re wearing pink panties when it’s white lace-waist.”
To facilitate fact-checking what underwear people are wearing, 5G and smartphone capabilities have been optimized to detect various types of textiles using ultrasound. Also, olfactory data regarding women’s underwear can be transmitted so that Biden can actually sniff women’s underwear over his phone.
“That is outrageous, and I don’t even wear underwear,” said Haley Larson, spokesperson of the American Culinary Rights Center. “All that effort to monitor our text messages! If they want to fix ‘misinformation’, they should fix [internet] searches. Every time I look up ‘pork’, I get ‘porn’ and plenty of porking—anything but how to cook pigs.”
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