ABC Reporter: Lucifer’s Text Messages to Himself “Very Touching”

Los Angeles, CA – ABC News correspondent Matt Gutman reported that the “specific text messages” Lucifer wrote to himself before his act of treachery were “very touching”.

“Before this story, I preferred my press conferences to be about gay assassins and their homoerotic text messages,” said Gutman. “I really enjoy that stuff but this Lucifer story takes it to a new level.”

The prosecution has put the charges of pride and treason at the top of the list and is seeking the sentence of eternal damnation, but Gutman focused on the incident as a relatable experience.

“So there was this duality: this guy was the highest Seraphim, the highest of all the angels,” reported Gutman, “but there also his text messages to himself, who wanted to transition and called himself ‘my love’—all this masturbatory self-aggrandizing is a real turn on.

“It was all very touching in a way we didn’t expect, a very intimate portrait into this satanic God-denying relationship with the self.”

In other news, the upcoming 2026 Blue Oyster Homoerotic Literature Award has approached Gutman to be one of its gay honorary judges. Gutman has not responded to requests for comment.

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