Your Horoscopes for 2020 CE

We know it’s a bit late… a bit being over ten months. But don’t fret, here’s our horoscopes for the year 2020 CE. We’re all modern pagans here, so it’s CE and not AD. Someone did point out that it didn’t make any difference to the number itself but let’s pretend it does. Anyway, here’s what you need to sort out your miserable existence.


Aries

Aries

Make no mistake: you’re a ram, you like to eat and hump. But use your head… that is, to knock people over. It’s the only way to get ahead in this world. Watch your shares, they may go down. Also, you may or may not die tomorrow.


Taurus

Taurus

Make no mistake: you’re a bull, you like to eat and hump. But use your head… that is, to knock people over. It’s the only way to get ahead in this world. Watch your shares, they may go down. Also, you may or may not die tomorrow.


Gemini

Gemini

This is the sign of the twins so there’s no other way but to be a two-faced sycophantic chump: suck up to everyone, but encourage anarchy, nurture chaos, foment distrust, call useless meetings and you may get somewhere in your career and romantic life. The other possibility is that you actually have a twin out there more psychotic than you and he/she/it will kill you in your sleep.


Cancer

Cancer

Use your claws, especially in currency trading. Grab as much as you can and hope the system doesn’t collapse. All the best with that. In your romantic life, just be a control freak. Snip off all preconceptions of decency and morality. They’re just holding you back. A bus may or may not run you over on a day beginning with the letter R.


Leo

Leo

Don’t forget your pride. So what if it’s the first item on the list of cardinal sins?! Act like you’re a god on earth and you will satisfy your thirst for temporal glories. Be ultra-hedonistic: drink and eat for pleasure often. Declare yourself president or king/queen or even a deity. Remember: you’re here for a good time and not a long time. You may die soon so try to sleep with anyone with a heartbeat and, like a lion, do/take it from behind. But beware, you may have to compete with those of Aries and Taurus. Or you can just do them too.


Virgo

Chastity and purity are for religious wierdos. Besides, nothing feels as pure as when one abandons all forms of underwear, especially if you plan on using the photocopier at the office. As for your romantic life outside of the photocopier room, any place will do. If you have trouble accepting the location, just pretend it’s the backseat of a 1984 Gemini and you’ll feel right at home. You also may contract a cocktail of STDs, half of them previously unknown (including COVID-22), and then die. Maybe.


Libra

Libra

Taking a balanced approach is for wimps who think prudence is a virtue. Scales aren’t for fair measurement, they’re there for you to rig to your advantage. Lie and cheat your way through every deal. Steal money, pens, cars, emails, staplers, votes, entire nations etc. Steal everything. Actually, after you steal it, quietly give it back so you can steal it again. And if you can’t make the scales work for you, then use them to knock your opponents unconscious and then have your way with them. But watch out for those Virgos, you may catch something nasty. And by the way, your shares may go down.


Scorpio

Scorpio

Jabbing and stabbing are what you’re best at. Poisoning is not a bad tactic too so feel free to spike people’s drinks at parties and bars. You may end up in jail but there’s jabbing and stabbing there too. Given the current astrological alignments, you may be having some difficulty now. You can try applying for a job at big pharma and help them impose the jabbing. Either way, don’t worry, your troubles will pass when the next world war starts and you’ll probably be completely stuffed then.


Sagittarius

Sagittarius

Trample and shoot your way to the top. Forget climbing the ladder. Just knock it down and madly go your own way. Since an equine forms part of your sign, only buy cars which have a horse as their symbol; you know what I’m talking about, that midlife-crisis convertible which you think extends your penis, even if you don’t have one. Just don’t forget that everyone knows you can’t actually afford such a vehicle and that you’re on the $150-per-week-for-the-rest-of-your-silly-life finance plan.


Capricorn

As a goat, anything to do with the occult is a valid career choice, especially if it involves human sacrifice. You’ll also want to eat and breed incessantly. Oh wait, that’s what most people do anyway. Those of Aries and Taurus won’t work well with you and those of Leo will just try to screw you. Either way, you know you’ll enjoy it.


Aquarius

Aquarius

Being a water carrier, you are often assumed to be a wino. And that’s because you are. (Tip: people generally don’t hide their water within a brown paper bag.) Anyway, since you can’t help being a drunk, at least refrain from starting fights at sporting events or whilst on the train heading to work. At the office is fine though. And by the way, your shares and your life may or may not go down the drain soon.


Pisces

Even you may not be able to slide and wrangle your way out of this economy. Whether it’s the banks or the commies—they’re ultimately supported by the same people anyway—you’re going to get grilled sooner rather than later. Your only choice is between the western-style BBQ or one of the Asian varieties. In any case, those things and the BBQ tongs are typically made in China anyway. In your romantic efforts, resorting to the googly-eyes method in a pathetic attempt to come across as a brooding loner may work. But then again, it’s more likely you’ll come across as an offender. A Leo wouldn’t mind and neither would a Virgo so they’re your best options. But hey, when the next world war starts, you’re going to be fishcakes anyway.



We apologize to our readers for the abuses of the English language and that these horoscopes may or may not continue due to the magazine’s unforeseen financial problems. We thank those who have supported this column over the past week.

– Ed.

 

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