Victorian Government Announces Mandatory Blue Pills

Melbourne, Australia – In addition to announcing mandatory vaccination for construction workers and school teachers, the Victorian government has announced mandatory blue pills for the entire population.


“Mandatory vaccination, and even boosters according to experts, is not enough,” said Premier Dan Andrews. “It will be mandatory blue pills for everyone. And if a child is too young to know how to swallow a pill, they will just have to suck it up and chew it.”


Victorian Government Announces Mandatory Blue Pills

This latest health directive permits one to unmask when taking the blue pill, but one must straight away put it back on when swallowing it.


It is also mandatory to take, on average, at least six blue pills and vaccine boosters every two days.


“It doesn’t matter what order you do it in, as long as you do it,” said Andrews. “It’s the only way out of this pandemic.


“And anyone who doesn’t is a despicable, disgusting, un-Australian right-wing anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist anti-Semite and whatever words I can’t think of right now.”


In response to the earthquake on Wednesday morning, Andrews added: “I would like to reassure all Victorians that any necessary reconstruction won’t go ahead because we gave them two weeks off. But don’t worry, we’re working on a safe and effective vaccine for earthquakes.”

 

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