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Starship USS New Zealand on Extended Red Alert

The Federation starship USS New Zealand is still on red alert and in lockdown, and has been since Tuesday 23:59 after detecting one case of COVID.

Starship USS New Zealand on Extended Red Alert

Go hard and go early is our strategy,” said Captain Jacinda Ardern, “a bit like our abortion policies. And a bit like our gun control too.”

On Thursday, there was a whopping total of 21 cases. The Galaxy-class starship has a complement of over 1,000. Under lockdown protocols, non-essential crew members are confined to quarters when not on duty.

“It’s a shame we have to temporarily stop going after the unvaccinated crew members,” said Security Officer Hipkins, “but we can still have fun patrolling the corridors… I mean that our captain runs a tight ship and has modelled her career after the psychotic and dictatorial version of Admiral Janeway.”

“We have traced this Delta outbreak to the USS Sydney,” said Captain Ardern. “One of our crew beamed back to our ship from there and the transporter’s biofilters didn’t work. Of course it was from the Sydney. We have to keep that narrative going and I personally like blaming the bogans on that ship anyway.”

As part of the red alert, security officers have secured all sensitive areas of the ship. “The warp core is safe,” said Captain Ardern, “and we are prepared to set it to self-destruct if we get more cases.”


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