top of page

Far-Right Pushes Jesus’s Cardiac Arrest Conspiracy Theory

Far-Right Pushes Jesus’s Cardiac Arrest Conspiracy Theory

Jerusalem – When Jesus, son of a carpenter from Nazareth, expired on the cross, there was understandably much talk about his death. After all, it was just over a week ago that he was welcomed into Jerusalem riding on a donkey.


The far-right then exploited Jesus’s judicial execution as “all part of the plan to save humanity”, spreading false claims that he truly died on the cross from hypovolemic shock and asphyxiation that ultimately led to cardiac arrest.


“He didn’t die from being crucified, he died when that Roman soldier jabbed him with the lance,” said a representative from the office of High Priest Caiphas. “That weird darkness and earthquake earlier, it’s all a coincidence!”


“He died before the lance thrust,” said John, a known follower of Jesus, “I saw it with my own eyes. The flow of water and blood from the pericardial effusion proves it, unless you want to ignore medical science. And they’re symbols of the sacraments.”


Indeed, the far-right have now gone further by claiming that Jesus had risen from the dead and that the Temple is no longer in working order.


Another member of the Sanhedrin, however, disagrees. “Regardless how he [Jesus] died—I mean, the guy could’ve had pre-existing myocarditis—any claim of resurrection is just conspiracy theory. His followers bribed the soldiers about the empty tomb and all that.”


The office of Procurator Pontius Pilate has not responded to requests for comment.

 

Be sure to subscribe to our mailing list so you get each new Opinyun that comes out!

 

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


Screen Shot 2021-12-09 at 4.49.31 PM.png

10% Off
Use Code: MERRYXMAS

MERCHANDISE!

bottom of page