Elizabeth Warren Tries to Claim Royal Blood and Throne as QEIII

Oklahoma City, OK – Senator Elizabeth Warren is claiming the British throne on the day of the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II.

“Lizzy the lizard is gone and we can’t have that old guy Charlie,” said Warren, who is about six months younger than Charles III. “I am Elizabeth III as I have ancestry connected to the House of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha—I mean, it’s a lot easier for me to claim to have European DNA than Native American DNA. It’s too bad I’m not invited to the funeral.”

In addition to ancestry, Warren cites her political experience as a valuable qualification. “I think my experience helps and it’s not as if I like democracy anyway so a monarchy suits me fine, as long as I am on top and maybe get a ship named after me,” she said. “And like the royal family, I don’t like children either.”

Royal Communications, however, disputed that last comment: “Actually, as Ms Warren should know, the Royal Family loves children, some members more than others. And besides, Ms Warren is a stupid git who lacks decorum that the throne demands.”

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